Wanna Stay Or Wanna Go Act I

[Derek Nahigyan]

This is the first scene from a play I'd written a while ago; I'd appreciate any criticism and if you like it, would be happy to post the rest. It's entitled, Wanna Stay Or Wanna Go

Wanna Stay, or Wanna Go?

Written by: Derek Nahigyan
Act 1, Scene 1

(Waiter standing stage right. People eating at their tables engaged in quiet conversation. Another waiter walks up)

WAITER #1: Yo Bill, that girl’s been waiting for half an hour, you gonna seat her or what?

BILL: Hey! Don’t you take that tone with me, she’ll be seated shortly, just keep your pants on.

WAITER #1: Hey if I got the chance to seat her, I’d take ‘em off.

BILL: Oh yea? Nice, man. Really… GET OUT OF HERE!!

(shocked, waiter #1 runs off to tend to his table. Issac enters stage left, still buttoning his vest.)

BILL: Issac!!

ISSAC: …Hey Bill…

BILL: Okay, I know you’ve been real depressed lately ever since Kathren left—

ISSAC: —she didn’t—she didn’t leave…

BILL: Whatever, look I’m gonna be blatantly honest with you… I don’t care. But I’m tired of you being so mopey, so I got you a gift.

ISSAC: Look Bill, that’s sweet—sort of—but (sigh) you don’t have to—

BILL: She’s right there. (Grabs Issac, throws his arm around his shoulder and points)

ISSAC: You set me up with someone?

BILL: No, she’s here with someone else.

ISSAC: What’s wrong with you?

BILL: No, no, don’t worry! This guy looks like a boiling jerk so you’re gonna sweep in when she dumps him.

ISSAC: There are so many things wrong with this… but let’s say she doesn’t dump him.

BILL: (Pulls up can of pills from his pocket) That’s when you slip these in his drink.

ISSAC: Laxatives?!

BILL: You don’t have to thank me.

ISSAC: I’m not going to! I’ll seat them and do my job, understand?

BILL: All ears.

ISSAC: Thank you.

BILL: Naw, you don’t have to thank me.

(Issac walks over stage left to the front desk)

ISSAC: (Heavy sigh) Table for two?

GIRL: Oh yes, that’s us!

ISSAC: Right this way. (moves to table—center stage—seats both of them and pulls out tiny notebook and pen) Hi, welcome to “Joy De La Noche”. My name’s Issac, I’ll be your waiter for the evening, can I start you off with anything to drink?

GIRL: Water for me please.

ISSAC: (Scribbles on pad) Great, and you sir?

GUY: Water’s fine.

ISSAC: Okay, our menus are right there on the table. I’ll be back with your drinks in a few moments.

GUY: Great.

GIRL: Thank you.

(Issac walks back to Bill)

GUY: So I don’t really know anything about you, like—hmm—how about what college did you go to?

GIRL: I went to Columbia and majored in Biology and I’m on my way to becoming a fully—fledged neurosurgeon.

GUY: That’s so ambitious, what made you want to be a neurosurgeon?

GIRL: Oh… well see, my parents traveled a lot so I was raised by my grandparents and my grandfather tragically died from an aneurism in his brain.

GUY: Aw, I’m sorry to hear that.

GIRL: (Starts getting a little teary eyed) I—I know… I felt really bad for my grandmother.

GUY: I can’t imagine how painful that would be… if you don’t want to talk about it I understand, let me—

BILL: (On other side of restaurant, stage right) –what a dick.

ISSAC: (stacking dishes on the side, facing stage right) What?

BILL: He’s making her cry.

ISSAC: They seemed to be getting along fine when I was there.

BILL: Look! (Grabs Issac and spins him around to look at the horror!)

ISSAC: What the?! Who would do that to such a beautiful lady.

(Guy stands up from his seat)

BILL: And now he’s leaving her!

ISSAC: That no good creep! Bill?

BILL: Yes?

ISSAC: You still have those laxatives?

(Guy looks over towards them)

BILL: (Slightly worried while staring at Guy) Yea, yea they’re in the back.

GUY: ‘Scuse me?

ISSAC: I am gonna mess this guy up!

BILL: (Sarcastically) As much as I’d love to see that (grabs Issac’s shoulders and puts his lowers his head with his.) and believe me, I would—you need to go to the back and grab the laxatives, Kay?

(Overlapping)

GUY: Hey! ‘Scuse me? (starts walking over)
ISSAC: Look, I’ll confront him right now.

BILL: No! GO!! (pushes Issac offstage)

GUY: Hey, where’d the other guy go?

BILL: To, uh, get your drinks. (clasps hands and puts on fake smile)

GUY: Oh, well can I get some tissues? My female friend over there is crying.

BILL: Oh, again huh?

GUY: What?

BILL: Yea, she comes in here every week with a new guy and puts laxatives in their drink so that when they go off to the bathroom, she can leave without giving her number or paying the check.

GUY: What?! She does this all the time?

BILL: ‘Fraid so. (throws arm around guy’s shoulder)

GUY: She seems so nice though…

BILL: Hey budday, who’re you gonna believe? A girl you barely know, or me, a guy who’s been duped by this charade before?

GUY: She got you too?

BILL: (Sniffle) I don’t want to talk about it.

GUY: Y’know girls can’t toy with our emotions like that, let’s talk to her about this! (starts marching back to the table)

BILL: (Grabs Guy and frantically says) Whoa, whoa, Whoa!! (As Guy turns back around to him, Bill regains cool and chuckles—fakelike) A-haha-heh, Look Chuck—can I call you Chuck? Get out of here, stand her up for once!

ISSAC: (Runs onstage and quickly notices the “horrible” man and Bill having a chat) Hey! I—wait, what’re you—

BILL: (With lightning speed accessment of the situation) NOW GET OUTTA HERE!! LEAVE AND NEVER RETURN!!

(Guy runs off, terrified thru the back entrance and avoids the girl’s attention)

BILL: (Slowly turns to Issac) The nerve of some people, eh?

ISSAC: What happened?

BILL: He asked me if I wanted to buy some drugs!!

ISSAC: (Angry grumbles of discontent)

BILL: Y’know what cha gotta do right?

ISSAC: What?

BILL: Sweep.

ISSAC: Come again?

BILL: Swoop on in there!

ISSAC: (Stares blankly) You want me to… to just… sweep?

BILL: (Moves wildly with whole body) YES!! Swoop, sweep until you’ve swept so much that the sweeping lives on as a swoop!

ISSAC: There’s no way, I can’t just—

(Bill slaps Issac. Overlapping)
BILL: Do it!!
ISSAC: Ouch.

BILL: Just pretend that you don’t know what happened.

ISSAC: R—right. (Walks over to the table, constantly glancing over at Bill, very timid, very unsure and scared. Bill continues to mouth words and gesture him forward. They progressively grow louder.)

GIRL: (Turns around in her seat) What are you doing?

ISSAC: (Bill stops moving and pretends to be doing other things, Issac freezes.) Huh? Oh, I, uh, I just remembered that I forgot your waters. (Runs back to Bill)

BILL: (Issac heaves a large breath, Bill looks expectantly) What the hell was that?

ISSAC: I can’t do this.

BILL: Here (walks offstage and brings out a tray with two waters.) You’re gonna walk over there with these and ask—nonchalantly I might add—Where her date is, and we’ll move on from there.

ISSAC: (Takes waters and walks over to table) Here are your waters, miss.

GIRL: Thank you.

ISSAC: Where’d, uh, where’d the guy go?

GIRL: Who? Jimmy?

ISSAC: Sure.

GIRL: He went to (turns, looking around) …actually I don’t know.

ISSAC: I’m sorry, did he… abandon you?

GIRL: Such a harsh word! Maybe though, I wouldn’t blame him, sitting here with a crying woman… I’d probably leave too.

ISSAC: Naw that guy, he’s—he’s just a big ol’ jerk.

GIRL: Hah!

ISSAC: (Sits down) How did you two get together?

GIRL: Just a friend of a friend’s idea.

ISSAC: Oh.

GIRL: I think this is the third date I’ve been on in (thinks) eight months.

ISSAC: Really, you? (Jokingly) Do you have a third arm or something?

GIRL: (Ashamed) Don’t make fun of it!

ISSAC: (Pause) You do?

GIRL: (Smiles) No!

ISSAC: That’s the only explanation I could think of.

GIRL: That’s sweet, but not everyone is like that.

ISSAC: Tell me about it, my friend Gary refused to see someone because all she drank was milk?

GIRL: Milk? What’s wrong with that?

ISSAC: His exact words were, ‘it has a distinct smell’

GIRL: Such a picky person.

ISSAC: That’s why he’s single.

(Bill walks over)

BILL: Hello, Welcome to ‘Joy De La Noche’. My name’s Bill, I’ll be your waiter for the evening. Are you ready to order?

(Issac and Girl look at each other. Pause. Smile.)

BOTH: Yes.

(Fade out. Fade in to a blank stage. Girl and Issac walk out of restaurant walking arm in arm, linked at the elbow)

ISSAC: You’ve never gone fishing?!

GIRL: Not once!

ISSAC: Between skydiving, bungee jumping, skiing, and everything else you’ve done, I would’ve figured you’d make time.

GIRL: It just seems so boring. (breaks from they link and they stare at each other; profile.)

ISSAC: Now that’s not… (thinks) yea… it really is a waste of time.

(They smile, then silence.)

ISSAC: This has been a lot of fun and I don’t even know your name.

GIRL: Haha, it’s Raine.

ISSAC: That… is a beautiful name.

RAINE: I hate it.

ISSAC: Precipitation or the name?

RAINE: (Sarcastically) Ha. Ha.

(Silence, Raine closes her eyes and leans in to kiss, Issac pulls away)

ISSAC: Oh wow.

RAINE: What?

ISSAC: I was supposed to be working today.

RAINE: That’s terrible! What’re they going to do?

ISSAC: (Thinks for a minute) Ah who cares.

(Goes in, and they kiss. Fade out.)

[Queen Rachel]

Bill seems like someone who needs a better hobby. Interesting, though.

[Gelare]

Bill sure is an interesting character. I like how it comes around full circle, with first Isaac, and then Bill asking people their orders.

[Derek Nahigyan]

Act 1, Scene 2

(Half the restaurant set on stage right and Gary/Bill/Issac’s apartment on stage left. Bill is waiting for Issac at the restaurant, checking his watch and tapping his foot)

WAITER #1: Yo Bill, that other person waiting on you or can I seat ‘em?

BILL: Give me a minute.

WAITER #1: Eh! I could give you a minute, I could give you a thousand minutes but I don’t wanna waste my time.

BILL: Then why are we even having this conversation?

WAITER #1: (Pause) Why do you do it?

BILL: I don’t know Ronnie.

RONNIE: You low-class bimbo! (Storms off)

BILL: Yet you keep commin’ back! (Paces back rubbing eyebrows, mumbling angrily. Issac enters.)

ISSAC: Bill!

BILL: (Regains composure and lightens up) Izzy! (Friendly hug, Issac starts rolling up his socks) So how are you? You two were out all night, you didn’t even come back to work.

ISSAC: (Stands up) Oh yeah, about that, thanks for covering my shift. (Goes back to rolling up his socks)

BILL: I didn’t cover your shift.

ISSAC: (Stops rolling socks) what?

BILL: Yeah, I mean I’m glad you’re happy but the boss is pissed.

ISSAC: Bill!

BILL: Hey, hey! At least I didn’t tell him you ditched for a girl.

ISSAC: My God Bill!

BILL: So how’d that go by the way?

ISSAC: It—(clutches forehead)—it went amazing.

BILL: That’s great! (Folds arms) What’d you kids do?

ISSAC: She just came over and watched a video at our apartment.

BILL: (Interest peaks) Ooo what movie?

ISSAC: 10 things I hate about you.

BILL: (Sarcastic) Grrreat…

ISSAC: It’s a good movie.

BILL: (Stares, then slides his hand over his face) well as long as you had fun.

ISSAC: It was so much fun!

BILL: Course you’re fired.

ISSAC: What?!

BILL: Did I not say that?

ISSAC: No!!

BILL: Oh, sorry pal.

ISSAC: I can’t believe this!

BILL: So didja kiss her?

ISSAC: BILL!!

BILL: Answer the question.

ISSAC: Of course I did!

BILL: That’s lovely!

ISSAC: Yes, but I hate you!

BILL: You do not.

ISSAC: How could you?!

BILL: Relax, I took care of it.

ISSAC: What?!

BILL: You’re not fired.

ISSAC: …WHAT?!

BILL: Yea, Howard isn’t pissed, you’re fine.

ISSAC: Then why would you say that?!

BILL: You ditched me at work, I wanted to hurt you.

ISSAC: …You’re a bastard.

BILL: Do you want me to get you fired?

ISSAC: No.

BILL: Good.

ISSAC: (Pause) what’s the catch?

BILL: Huh?

ISSAC: I’ve never seen you lift a finger to help someone else in need.

BILL: I got you that girl.

ISSAC: Raine! And it’s cus I was (puts his fingers up in for quotes) “mopey”.

BILL: Yes, but still, my selfishness provided a self-less act.

ISSAC: Bill, what’d you do?

BILL: Don’t worry about it.

ISSAC: What’d you—

BILL: Shh, here comes Howard.

ISSAC: Oh—(brushes hair and shirt, stands upright alongside Bill)

BILL: Hey boss, how’s it goin’?

HOWARD: Seems everything’s in tip top shape, Bill if you want to check out early you can. It’s a little slow today.

BILL: Wouldn’t dream of missing work but that’s extremely generous of you sir, thank you.

HOWARD: And Issac—

ISSAC: (Nervous) Y—yes sir?

HOWARD: I look forward to Saturday. (Pats Issac on the shoulder and walks off)

ISSAC: (Pauses, then checks if Howard’s gone) Saturday?

BILL: Well yea, I didn’t want to cover your shift so I told him you were working on a gift for him for his birthday.

ISSAC: It’s his birthday?

BILL: Hell if I know, it’s your surprise.

ISSAC: Great.

BILL: Yup. (Issac sighs) what’s wrong?

ISSAC: Eight hour shift, it’s going to take forever until I can see Raine tonight.

BILL: Ooo-la-la, so you really like her huh?

ISSAC: She’s a lot of fun.

BILL: And hot.

ISSAC: Anyway, she’s hanging out with Gary until then.

BILL: Really… Gary?

ISSAC: (Paranoid) Why—what—who—what’s wrong with that?

BILL: No, no, nothing; I just thought he was doing the skiing thing still.

ISSAC: Yeah, got too cold so now he’s doin’ optometry; came back last night after Raine left.

BILL: Oh, so he’s gonna be… living with us again?

ISSAC: Yeah.

BILL: DAMNIT!!

ISSAC: What?

BILL: Nothing. (Pause) I wonder how that conversation’s going. (Fade out from restaurant, lights up on apartment side. A minute of awkward silence between Gary and Raine. Raine is sitting on couch upstage, Gary is sitting on a chair stage left facing profile.)

GARY: So what’s your name?

RAINE: Raine.

GARY: That’s a nice name. I’m Gary.

RAINE: Yea, Issac told me.

GARY: He’s great.

RAINE: I think so. (Both chuckle and then sigh. Pause) so what do you do?

GARY: Generally, I wait for the other person to talk.

RAINE: No, I mean your occupation.

GARY: Oh! Yes, I’m an eye guy.

RAINE: “Eye Guy”? Like an optometrist?

GARY: Yes, well done.

RAINE: Oh then hang on, my right eye has been irritated lately. (She leans in holding open her eye lid) Do I have a scratch or something?

GARY: (Peers at her eye, then leans back folding his arms.) Yes, it seems you’ve fractured your *ahem* rombocal.

RAINE: (Pulls back) Rombocal?

GARY: Yeah it’s not too serious, don’t worry about it.

RAINE: (Still in disbelief) Rombocal?

GARY: M-hm

RAINE: Where’d you get your degree?

GARY: E-bay.

RAINE: E-bay? Are you serious?

GARY: What? No, I like bringing humor to the world.

RAINE: No, are you… are you a con-artist?

GARY: I do my job…

RAINE: You do your job?! Like right now, you’re an optometrist prescribing glasses, contacts, telling people whether or not they need laser eye surgery without actually knowing what you’re doing?

GARY: (Ten inches tall) Am I a bad person? (Fade out of apartment and into Bill and Issac in the restaurant)

BILL: Oh, I got it!

ISSAC: Genius, you figured out a gift?

BILL: No, but I know how to. (Bill walks over to one of the tables) How is everything here? Do you need more bread?

MAN: I think we’re fine.

WOMAN: Yes. Today’s our anniversary. (Holds man’s hand on the table)

BILL: That’s sweet, (looks at man) what’d you get her?

MAN: What?

BILL: Y’know, as a gift.

MAN: Well, I, uh, I haven’t given it to her yet.

BILL: Okay… but what is it?

WOMAN: You can tell me honey, I will still be surprised.

MAN: I can’t.

WOMAN: (Whimpers) Please?

MAN: (A little nervous) I, I want to ask you for your hand… in marriage.

WOMAN: (Happily surprised) Oh—oh my goodness! Rufus, of course I’ll marry—

BILL: That’s it?!

RUFUS: I beg your pardon?

BILL: I could’ve gotten her that and I’m not even dating her!

RUFUS: I—I can’t believe that you’d be—

BILL: I can’t believe you’re not even getting her flowers! I mean getting married is more for your benefit than hers! (Couple is in absolute shock) I mean she’s still good-looking but you? This may be your only chance for happiness! (Silence) Jeez, forget you guys! (Fade out, fade into apartment)

GARY: (Leaned forward counting on his fingers) And then I got tired of saying the same speech over and over again so I decided to become a teacher but the kids were annoying and the pay was ridiculous. So then I became a lawyer and then a magician for a little while, then I worked at a ski resort and now I’m back here. (Sits back triumphantly)

RAINE: (Her mouth wide open)… wow…

GARY: Oh and I was a surgeon in between the cab driver and correspondent but luckily Issac pulled me out of that one. (Chuckles to himself)

RAINE: How… how do people believe you?

GARY: (Pulls out papers from under the coffee table) Well they pretty much believe anything if you have degrees hanging from the walls and a full history of your life.

RAINE: But you didn’t even go to college!

GARY: (Reading papers) but I was a Vietnam veteran.

RAINE: You were?

GARY: (Slaps papers and raises eyebrows to Raine) Apparently! (Fades out, fades into restaurant. Issac is squatted beside a table)

ISSAC: So while he’s in the bathroom, I gotta know what you got him for his birthday?

LADY: Well it’s in 2 weeks but when we were dating I remember how he said he didn’t want a serious relationship. He said, “Don’t expect any commitment from me!” But here we are, (lifts up left hand with a ring on it) married after 4 years of dating! (Gentleman starts walking back to table) So for his birthday I got him a fish because those things die in a week just like the way our relationship was supposed to be.

GENTLEMAN: (Shocked) you what?!

LADY: Oh sweetie, sorry that was supposed to be a surprise.

GENTLEMAN: You know how much I love fish!

LADY: (Startled) Yes, yes of course I know that!

GENTLEMAN: Then why would you buy one? So I can watch it die?!

LADY: No, it’s not like that!

GENTLEMAN: Forget it! I want a divorce!

LADY: But!!

GENTLEMAN: Shut up! (Long awkward silence, Issac slowly rises from his crouched stance)

ISSAC: Well, here’s the check, hope you have a lovely evening… (walks away embarrassed. Fade out, fade into apartment)

RAINE: They all believe you?

GARY: Every one.

RAINE: Has anyone ever questioned you?

GARY: Well, yeah.

RAINE: What’d you do?

GARY: Told them paranoia is a side affect of their condition.

RAINE: That’s… that’s genius…

GARY: Yay!

RAINE: Are you ever worried you’ll get a patient from when you were a dentist to come in and get glasses or something?

GARY: (Thinks) no, but I don’t think that’ll ever happen.

RAINE: And why’s that?

GARY: Would you hassle a vet?

RAINE: Depends, are you referring to a previous job or your military status? (They laugh) Honestly, I don’t really mentally approve of this but it seems you’ve done really well for yourself.

GARY: Thank you! I really try; I mean it’s hard for me to surpass my brother.

RAINE: Why? What’s your brother do?

GARY: He’s into politics.

RAINE: Has he done anything recently?

GARY: Kinda (pause) he’s running for president.

RAINE: What?!

GARY: Isn’t it weird?

RAINE: Peters Jenkins is your brother?!

GARY: This is gonna get more fun. (Faces Raine with his legs crossed and begins talking about his brother. Fade out, fade into restaurant where everyone is crying, alone or sad)

ISSAC: Wow… everyone’s so—

BILL: —Mopey.

ISSAC: Yeah. (Beat) I mean this is just—

BILL: —Depressing.

ISSAC: Yeah. (Man walks in) Ah a customer! He’s got to liven things up!

BILL: Don’t forget about Howard’s birthday surprise!

ISSAC: I know, I know. (Walks over to counter) Good evening sir and welcome to ‘Joy De La Noche’. How many in your party?

MAN: Uh (looks behind him) something like… eight!

ISSAC: Gotcha, that’ll be around a thirty minute wait, is that okay?

MAN: Sure, sure.

ISSAC: So while you’re waiting, what brings you here?

MAN: My friends and I are just here to celebrate Charley’s birthday.

ISSAC: Aw, so would you bring your father to this type of restaurant?

MAN: (Silence) uh…

ISSAC: Oh, sorry, is he Charley? Does he not like to talk about his age?

MAN: (Sensitive about the topic) well… he—

ISSAC: Look it’s fine, just point out your father and I’ll smooth things over so he doesn’t know anything’s up?

MAN: (Gets misty—eyed) It’s… just that…

ISSAC: And don’t worry about tipping extra, it’s fine, it was my fault anyway. I’ll just—

MAN: (Blurts out) My father’s been dead for five years, sir…

ISSAC: (Heavy sigh) And you miss him don’t you?

MAN: (Bawling) So much!

ISSAC: (Slams fist on counter and sarcastically says) GREAT!

(Fade out)

[Derek Nahigyan]

Act 1, Scene 3

(Issac and Raine are walking along the beach at night)

ISSAC: Longest shift of my life.

RAINE: Could’ve been worse, could’ve been your last.

ISSAC: I know but I never plan parties or gifts and there’s a reason: (beat) I can’t.

RAINE: Listen to you, never optimistic, never overcompensating. You seem to put in the bare minimum of effort.

ISSAC: It makes life easy.

RAINE: Life is easy! (Issac gives a blank stare) Look, just stand right there (she walks 3 feet away) How do you feel?

ISSAC: (Looks around) Fine.

RAINE: Congratulations! You’re living!

ISSAC: But there’s work to be done, places to go—

RAINE: —People to see, clichés to make.

ISSAC: Cute.

RAINE: Your roommate Gary is an absolute genius.

ISSAC: Do I need a competitive spirit or will I like this story?

RAINE: You’ll love it! (beat) So you’re well aware what he does is illegal, right?

ISSAC: I wouldn’t call it illegal but I know he’s not officially certified, yes.

RAINE: Well, he has the perfect lifestyle. Everyday he gets to do whatever he wants; he has fun at his job and when it stops being fun, he leaves to pursue a new career that’ll make him happy. The best part about what he does is it’s not a scam—I mean it is but it isn’t. He’s such an innocent guy that you can tell he’s not trying to rob people, just make enough money to pay rent and buy small luxuries. He told me how he even buys books and diagrams to see what people need; he knows what he’s doing!

ISSAC: He’s a fraud though; I’m always worried he’ll get caught. I mean as much as I love living with him, he’d be safer moving from state to state with those types of careers. I’d be happier if he did rob people and leave the city; the way he works he’s bound to be caught eventually.

RAINE: I guess… he’s so adorable though.

ISSAC: Like if a gerbil ate your 50 dollar bill, you wouldn’t be upset?

RAINE: Well I’d be upset but it’s a gerbil, what would I do? Squish him?

ISSAC: Yeah.

RAINE: (Stunned) Issac!

ISSAC: I’m kidding… sorta.

RAINE: You’re somethin’ else.

ISSAC: (Grabs both of Raine’s shoulders and pulls her close, gazing at her) I’m yours.

RAINE: (Entirely unimpressed) How quaint.

ISSAC: (Drops Raine; she gives a slight shrill of the “Yeek” kind as Issac feels shot down) Jeez, here I am waiting for the set up and—

RAINE: (Helps herself up) Set up?! Izzy, there’s a difference between romance and shomance.

ISSAC: Shomance?

RAINE: You know like on stage relationships, pre-ordaned twin flames, Romeo and Juliet—crap like that.

ISSAC: Crap like that?

RAINE: Look Izzy, I’m not stupid, how many girls have you brought to this beach at midnight? How many girls have you used the same pick-up line on? How many—

(Overlapping)

ISSAC: How do you know I’m not being original?

RAINE: Because we’ve been together for two days. (Pause) Romance occurs when you know each other for awhile and know what your partner’s dreams and ideals are. Like if I loved astronomy, and you took the initiative to set up a disco ball with glow in the dark stars and Christmas lights strewn about my room! It sounds simple but it’d be romantic.

ISSAC: Let’s see, you’re into biology so… wanna dissect a cat some time?

RAINE: (Seeing the hopelessness of it all) Tch, you don’t get it. (starts walking away but Issac grabs Raine’s elbow swinging her back close to him)

ISSAC: (Smiling) Trust me, I do.

(They share a moment)

RAINE: Is there anything wrong with Gary?

ISSAC: Do you want me to be jealous?

RAINE: Haha, he’s not my type, don’t worry yourself tiger. He’s just so unique, so oblivious I guess.

ISSAC: The thing with Gary is… he’s not… all there.

RAINE: What do you mean?

ISSAC: Well two years ago I had to pick what suit to wear to this ballroom party, it was between a baize color and a blue color. Last week he came up to me saying, ‘Hey, I think I would’ve gone with blue’ (Raine giggles) He’s just a little slow I guess. He’s actually like having a younger brother, always so excited for the next day to arrive.

RAINE: Wow, does he ever get too excited and faint? Like on his birthday?

ISSAC: No, he actually hates it when we celebrate his birthday.

RAINE: Why?

ISSAC: He said ‘why acknowledge someone one day, when you have all year to do that?’

RAINE: That’s deep.

ISSAC: I think he gets it from Olivera Travels.

RAINE: Which is?

ISSAC: His favourite author.

RAINE: Never heard of him.

ISSAC: Her. She isn’t well-known I don’t think, but every so often he’ll tell me something from her and I have to think about it for months.

RAINE: Like…

ISSAC: Like… Ah yes, four weeks ago I got vomited on by some four year old and I was telling Gary about the rancid smell and the chunks I had to scrape off with sand paper—

RAINE: You sure know how to talk to women.

ISSAC: (Rolls eyes) So anyway I was telling him how “bad” it was and he looked at me and said, “Well as Olivera Travels always says ‘the earth doesn’t rotate everyday’” … I still don’t get it.

RAINE: I should look into that.

ISSAC: I tried but there’s an entire chapter in one of her books written in hieroglyphics. Course it makes an easy Christmas gift; she makes a book everyday it seems.

RAINE: What’d you do for Christmas?

ISSAC: Well he’s jewish but we took him to this fancy restaurant where they—

RAINE: BINGO!!

ISSAC: What?

RAINE: Take your boss to a fancy restaurant!

ISSAC: You have a one track mind, don’t ya?

RAINE: You love it!

ISSAC: Well either way, I can’t, I mean, it was fancy but casual and besides my boss is like twenty—thirty years older than me.

RAINE: Can’t can’t can’t, that’s all I ever hear. I mean where would you take your dad?

ISSAC: Well that’s different.

RAINE: Why?

ISSAC: Cus I know where I’d take him, a shooting gallery.

RAINE: He likes that stuff?

ISSAC: I dunno, he ran out on me when I was two.

RAINE: Then why would you take him to a—(pause) Wait a minute, Issac!?

ISSAC: I’m kidding… sorta.

RAINE: That’s so sad though.

ISSAC: Don’t worry about it, it was a long time ago. I’m over it.

RAINE: You’re over it?

ISSAC: (snaps) I don’t want to talk about it (Raine’s shocked, he quickly changes tone) is what I’m trying to say.

RAINE: Got it. (Pause) It’s getting cold.

ISSAC: Here you go. (Puts his jacket on her while keeping his arm tightly wrapped around her shoulder) C’mon, (looks into her eyes) I’ll take you home.

RAINE: Aw, see that’s romantic.

ISSAC: I didn’t do anything.

RAINE: I’m glad you finally understand.

(Fade out)

[Derek Nahigyan]

Act 1, Scene 4

(Fade in to bathroom, restaurant with Howard is just outside)

BILL: You’re gonna be fine, it’s dinner with Howard.

ISSAC: No, its dinner with my boss.

BILL: Not tonight; tonight you dine as equals.

ISSAC: But if I say something stupid he’ll fire me for sure.

BILL: Eh? So you get a new job.

ISSAC: I don’t want a new job.

BILL: You don’t want to go to a restaurant with Howard tonight either but I see you’re doing that.

ISSAC: I’m going to dinner with my boss, there’s a difference.

BILL: What?! Howard and I go out to strip clubs all the time!

ISSAC: Bill!?

BILL: What? I don’t have a girlfriend, why can’t I enjoy a show with Howie?

ISSAC: Because he’s your boss.

BILL: (Makes hand gesture as if to say ‘pshaw’)Oh he is not.

ISSAC: He decides your pay, your shifts, your occupation, he’s your boss.

BILL: Yeah, but notice my paycheck is bigger than yours.

ISSAC: So you’re using him for money?

BILL: No! I need extra cash for all the strip clubs.

ISSAC: Bill!

BILL: Y’know you should come with us sometime.

ISSAC: I’m with Raine!

BILL: Bring her along too.

ISSAC: No!

BILL: Your loss, Izzy.

ISSAC: Howard is 30 years older than us.

BILL: They still like women.

ISSAC: I—ugh—I can’t even—

BILL: What?! Like you’ve never been to a strip club?

ISSAC: Not with my boss.

BILL: Why not?

ISSAC: Because he’s my boss but only my boss of work! I don’t tell him when I’m going on a date or what movies I watch or what my shoe size is.

BILL: Aw c’mon, the boss has probably seen you and Raine together, it’s not hard to figure our what ‘movies’ you watch, and you’d have to be a monkey to not know someone’s shoe size.

ISSAC: I don’t know your shoe size.

BILL: I rest my case. All I’m saying is he’s just like us but older; the last time I went, I invited my dad.

ISSAC: The life you lead is—(heavy sigh)—forget it.

BILL: What? The fact that I enjoy hanging out with people, who happen to be a variety of ages?

ISSAC: The fact that you go see women with your boss and father.

BILL: What’s wrong with that? I love my dad and Howard’s cool.

ISSAC: I just—

BILL: Plus, have you ever had a friend your age who drives a 1965 mustang? I think not.

ISSAC: ’65? (Bill nods, then a light pause) He ever let you drive it?

BILL: Twice.

ISSAC: Wow… stick shift or automatic?

BILL: Stick.

ISSAC: Is it hard to learn?

BILL: Naw, you can catch on by watching.

ISSAC: Could you teach me sometime?

BILL: Of course, you free tomorrow?

ISSAC: Well I have dinner with Raine at eight, so how’s mid-afternoon sound?

BILL: I’m supposed to go hunting with Cerino but I suppose we could postpone.

ISSAC: That’d be great; I’ve always wanted to learn.

BILL: It’s a lot of fun, you’ll catch on quick.

ISSAC: Great! (Both laugh for a bit, and then it tones down)

BILL: (Looks at Issac) You still don’t approve.

ISSAC: I just think it’s weird!

BILL: C’mon let’s get you outta this restroom and into the restaurant.

(Bill starts guiding Issac out the door on stage right. Once they get out, they bump into two people—a man and woman. There is shock from Issac and Bill’s eyes; they are frozen staring at the couple. The woman, Songa, breaks the ice)

SONGA: Bill.

BILL: Songa… what are you doing here?

SONGA: I’m here with my man (squeezes man’s but and pulls him close) Bernard.

BERNARD: Bon jour! (Extends hand to Bill)

BILL: (Looks at Bernard’s hand, then fakes a smile and looks at Songa) Bernard? What happened to Damien?

SONGA: Aw, so sweet of you to remember; he was sent to prison.

BILL: That figures with a name like ‘Damien’.

SONGA: I don’t judge people based on names, if I had I would have never dated you. Why would I kiss the one thing I hate more than anything else, Bill?

BILL: Well that’s where you and I differ because I would never date a woman named ‘Bloody Murderer’.

SONGA: I’m still convinced you’d never date a woman.

BILL: After you it’d be pretty easy to find a suitable companion.

SONGA: Yet here you are with Issac.

BILL: Only cus women are all the same—crazy. The only difference is the levels of insanity men are willing to put up, with whether it’s a month, week, or rest of their life.

SONGA: Cute theory.

BILL: Like it? I got a book full of them.

SONGA: Why on Earth would you keep a book full of crap?

BILL: I needed something to remember you by.

BERNARD: (Innocent) Votre poo poo?

ISSAC: Whoa! Okay, that’s enough you two. Look we’d better get going.

SONGA: Don’t let me stop you.

BERNARD: Bon au revoir mes amis, vous voir plus tard! (Issac starts pulling Bill along as Bernard and Songa walk off)

BILL: Yeah, para le poo on you Frenchie! (Bill and Issac stop)

ISSAC: Jeez, I’ve never seen you so worked up!

BILL: Whatever she means nothing to me, her words fall flat.

ISSAC: But you were so steamed!

BILL: Shock of seeing her, that’s all.

ISSAC: I just want to make shure you’re okay.

BILL: I’m fine, Issac.

ISSAC: But she just—(Bill grabs Issac fiercely)

BILL: I’M FINE!! (Glares for a beat, then let’s go of Issac) Now go enjoy your dinner. Gary and I will be home when you get back.

ISSAC: (Scared to death) Shure.

BILL: Sorry bout—

ISSAC: It’s fine.

BILL: Yea I—(beat) right, see you tonight.

(Issac walks to the table, they’ve been sitting and chatting for awhile.)

HOWARD: Izzy, this is more than I could’ve asked for.

ISSAC: I’m glad you’re having a good time.

HOWARD: Are you kidding? Just relaxing, having free-spirited fun with my favourite young adult; how could I not have fun?

ISSAC: Really, I thought Bill was your favourite?

HOWARD: Aw, he’s good too. Tell me, where do you see yourself at my age?

ISSAC: Wow, I guess I’ll be leading a career; I’ve always wanted to go into astronomy; hopefully I’ll be married with kids.

HOWARD: Aw, yes, kids… marriage… always the ideal lifestyle.

ISSAC: How so?

HOWARD: My parents always pressured me to get married; they made it an obligation and I went against it.

ISSAC: What do you mean?

HOWARD: I said to hell with women, to hell with family. I focused my entire life on my career and having a good time. Y’know how I got into college? I worked. Ever since I was 10, I had my own paper route. I’ve worked ever since then nonstop and look at me now; I barely have to work at all anymore. And, if I do, I can make you or somebody else do it for me.

ISSAC: You’re an inspiration to us all.

HOWARD: Y-up! (Pause) Tell me about your family, boy.

ISSAC: Well my mother—

HOWARD: Skip the boring mumbo jumbo, let’s hear about your father.

ISSAC: I—I don’t know much about him.

HOWARD: Why’s that? He leave you high and dry or somethin’?

ISSAC: Well actually—

HOWARD: I know, boy, you told me when you first started working at ‘Joy de la Noche’. I’m not asking how you know him. (Sigh) Your mother, she must’ve said things about him when you were growing up right?

ISSAC: Well she remarried when I was four to my dad’s best friend and he’s the jealous type so she never really said much.

HOWARD: You must know somethin’, what kinda kid grows up not knowing where he’s been?

ISSAC: Does it really matter? You went against your parents and came out fine.

HOWARD: Yeah, but we can’t all be me; nothing would get done.

ISSAC: Yet you’re successful, well-educated—

HOWARD: Simple hard word m’boy.

ISSAC: You’ve lived your life alone and have done nothing but prosper. You’d make Rockefeller proud!

HOWARD: I—I guess so… (Deep sigh) Izzy, do you really want to go into astronomy?

ISSAC: It seems fun but I’ve always hesitated.

HOWARD: Well until you decide, I’m going to give you my restaurant.

ISSAC: (Pause, Issac’s face gleams with excited shock) What!? Howard I—

HOWARD: Listen to me, I’ve got about 183 restaurants over the East Coast… do you know why I’m at this one?

ISSAC: Because… it was the first one you opened?

HOWARD: No, it was because of Miss Beautiful.

ISSAC: Miss Beautiful? Did she win a pageant or something?

HOWARD: With her looks she could have! You see my friend, Pin—

ISSAC: You have a friend named Pin?

HOWARD: Can I tell the story? (Issac nods, Howard sighs) My friend, Pin had informed of the most dazzling little lady he’d ever seen. He called me down here just so he could show me a glimpse of her and, boy, she was remarkable. Her body glowed even in broad daylight, the way she carried herself lifted mountains from Earth, even a wink of her eye caused thousands of jaws to drop. She was perfection and every Friday night she’d come in with her friends or family and order the lobster with a Shirley Temple. I never knew her name so I called her Miss Beautiful. Every time, Miss Beautiful—table for five? Would you like a refill Miss Beautiful? Here’s the check Miss Beautiful. Her face was so white that every time I called her that, her face would ignite the whole room. We were sued once due to a man who went blind when he looked directly at her.

ISSAC: Really?

HOWARD: No, I’m just trying to make a metaphor for her blushing. Do you get my point? You see she was real gorgeous, the definition of it. No makeup or fancy gowns could cover her face. It was one of a kind. However, I think she’d never been courted before because of how often she blushed; most women, would just smile politely and move on but she always gleamed bright—I think that’s why she kept coming back. One night, I gathered all the courage I could muster and asked her to dance with me under the stars. I feared the worst so I told her she didn’t have to say anything, I’d just sit on the hilltop and if she showed up, great, if not then it ends there and she wouldn’t need to worry about it. I started to walk away but she held my hands together and said “I’d love to." I was so giddy—no gleeful, no, well… happy to be alive! I was filled with such enthusiasm that I ran home to get cleaned up. I baked her an angel food cake, wore my best shoes, combed my hair—I was thrilled! (His happy tone turns dark as Howard looks down in remorse)

ISSAC: (Cautious) What happened?

HOWARD: She was a no show. I’d driven up there and waited for two hours to have nothing but myself and a shattered heart.

ISSAC: (Worried) I’m so sorry.

HOWARD: Nah, that didn’t really hurt, I mean she was gorgeous, polite, well-educated, sharp as a tac; I would’ve seen that coming a mile away but then she didn’t show up to the restaurant on Friday. Then another week went by and still no sign of her, I hoped I hadn’t scared her off, if nothing else she was a great customer! So I asked my budday what happened and he said…

(Long Pause)

ISSAC: (Panicked) What? What happened?!

HOWARD: She was murdered on our date night. (Pause) A man thought that she was the daughter of a rich family and took her hostage. Since she wasn’t the family’s daughter when it came time to pay the ransom… they didn’t oblige. She was killed…

ISSAC: Howard… I—I’m so sorry, I—I wish I could—

HOWARD: (Intensity grows dramatically) They caught the guy, he’s serving life in prison, but Miss Beautiful is dead. I always feel as if I could’ve done something; maybe if I hadn’t asked her out or maybe if I made her stay longer; maybe I could’ve walked her home (hits peak) or maybe… (tone drops as he lets out a hefty sigh) maybe she’d still be alive. (Pause) I never knew her name, but I would give anything to have one dance with her. I’m not saying I loved her but I would’ve loved being with her. Izzy, the restaurant is yours, just do me a favour.

ISSAC: Anything, you name it!

HOWARD: Get married… have kids; don’t live the way I have. We all need someone to care for and someone to care for us. Don’t let time win, don’t miss your chance to be happy.

ISSAC: Right… I promise, sir…

(Long Pause)

HOWARD: Right! Ready for a strip club?
(Fade out)

[Derek Nahigyan]

Act 1, Scene 5

(Fade into apartment, there’s a couch facing the audience with Bill, Issac, and Gary, all sitting on it.)

BILL: Told ya, you’d have fun.

ISSAC: It was so sad, Bill. Howard’s a complete mess...

BILL: (Not paying attention) Yeah, yeah, dead girl—truly tragic; who was working the club tonight?

GARY: Strip clubs? For shame, Issac.

ISSAC: Gary, I didn’t even pay attention to those girls, I was so focused on Miss Beautiful and the restaurant and—

BILL: —the women—oh that’s right—the naked women!

ISSAC: How can you ignore stuff like this?

BILL: I don’t ignore it!

ISSAC: Yes you do!

BILL: Since when have I ever ignored a naked girl?

ISSAC: Ugh! You’re ignoring the subject again!

BILL: Once again, I don’t ignore—I watch.

GARY: Who? Howard?

BILL: No… unless Howard’s a naked chick.

ISSAC: Enough! I’ve had way too much talking of strip clubs for one day.

BILL: Alright, we can talk about something else.

ISSAC: Great.

BILL: So how’s Raine, Issac? How’s that guppy wuppy googley-eyed girl? What’s she up to? Does Raine like to swim or how about listen to heavy metal? Is Raine busy with school and—aw, y’know I gotta say I thought her name would grow on me but its ‘Raine’!

ISSAC: I like her name!

BILL: (Offended) Oh please! It’s not a name, it’s a thing!

ISSAC: Stop it.

BILL: Hi my name’s tree, what’s yours?

ISSAC: I’m ‘Sarcasm’ and this is my friend (points to Gary) ‘Ignorance’

BILL: You can’t pull off Sarcasm, Issac.

GARY: Yeah, and I’m an eye guy, not an Ignorance.

ISSAC: You’re an ignorant optometrist.

GARY: I thought I was a human being?

ISSAC: Sometimes I wonder.

BILL: Names, in general, bug me.

ISSAC: Why’s that?

BILL: Well, there are some names that are names like “Jack, Tom, Bill, Gary, Issac”… well it’s Greek but a name no less. Yet, then people start throwing in new syllables into the mix like Aaron. (Spells it outloud) A—A—R—O—N. Who the hell does that?

ISSAC: They need to; otherwise people would pronounce it Aron.

BILL: Well then spell it with “air” and then “ron”. I mean Ron is a perfect name, why bother with two more letters?

GARY: The only Aaron I knew spelled their name E—R—I—N.

BILL: That’s just as bad don’t make homonyms out of names. Then you could name your children Bye, Buy, and By and then we’d have N’sync come back and God knows no one wants that.

GARY: N’sync wasn’t bad.

BILL: N’sync just thought they had talent cus they could sing about war and corruption in the government.

ISSAC: What?

BILL: Oh c’mon… we are, but two worlds apart… that’s us in Vietnam.

ISSAC: Wait a minute Bill.

BILL: Whoa, okay, what about the chorus? Ain’t nothing but a heartache, tell me why, ain’t nothing but a mistake, tell me why. Do you see? It’s nothing but a childish heartache, America in Vietnam was a mistake, and no one knows why.

ISSAC: That’s the Backstreet Boys.

BILL: …Oh. Was Bye, Bye, Bye right?

GARY: Yes.

BILL: Well then, I proved my point.

GARY: (Thinks) yes.

ISSAC: I need to get married.

BILL: What?

ISSAC: I’m sorry to interrupt the boy band debate, which by the way, there’s no way they were singing about war.

BILL: You… you want to get married?

ISSAC: I don’t have much choice do I?

GARY: I love weddings!

BILL: What choice? Getting married is the last thing men do in life!

ISSAC: Howard was talking to me about how he never got married and regrets it, my mom never got married and my dad runs off. Don’t you see?

BILL: NO!! You’re just being crazy.

ISSAC: Am I really that far from sanity? I need to control my life I need to know that I have a future. I need to know that I won’t be dying alone.

BILL: So die with us! Why do you want to be able to predict your life, that’s boring, do you really want to bore yourself to death?

ISSAC: As long as I’m not single.

GARY: Hence you’re with us!

BILL: Gary, do you know what single is?

GARY: It’s one.

BILL: It’s when you’re not with someone of the opposite sex.

GARY: Then… I’m single on weekends but not weekdays?

BILL: What?

GARY: Yeah, I have a few girls who come and go every day.

BILL: Gary, those are patients.

ISSAC: Sounds like a relationship.

BILL: Ironic, since those require patience.

GARY: As Olivera Travels says, “Patience wants Virtue to be Patience”.

BILL: Gary, you and I need to talk. Unfortunately, Issac, must come first.

GARY: Understood.

ISSAC: Bill, can you honestly say you’re happy knowing that you don’t know where you’re going to be in three years?

BILL: Are you kidding? I’ve lived my life not knowing where I’m gonna be tomorrow!

ISSAC: Well I like to know what I’m doing; I like to know where I’m going. I weigh myself every morning to see if I’m eating more or less the previous day. I’m consistent I need to maintain that.

BILL: You don’t get married everyday!

ISSAC: But I’m gonna want to eventually; all that’s on my mind now is when?

BILL: Are you listening to yourself? Who do you plan to marry, Raine?

ISSAC: No, I don’t know, I—I just need to settle down, follow astronomy, come home to some kids and make shure I don’t fall behind.

BILL: Fall behind? Who are you racing, Gary?! Cus he’s thirty light years that way, pal!

GARY: Y’know it’s funny, all the colour and shadows we see is from light, so technically light can’t be a single being and not just because it doesn’t see other lights.

BILL: Do you see what I’m talking about?!

ISSAC: No, Bill.

GARY: Do you want me to have a look? Let’s check your cornea. (Leans over to Issac about to touch his eyes but Issac throws him off).

ISSAC: Bill, I want marriage, I want kids, and if I don’t start now, when will I have time. Not when I’m older with a career, I’ll be too busy.

BILL: Are you in love? Cus if you’re not then shut up right now but try and look at it like this; you can adopt. I mean women, women (searches for a word) are like rocks. They can be a variety of sizes (pause) are found all over the world (pause then thinks) and—uh—and are filled with secrets. Now what are rocks good for? Nothing. All rocks can do is hurt you, they may help you sit but they won’t let you stand back up. They’ll be there when you fall but don’t catch you. They’re there to hurt you.

ISSAC: Raine’s different.

GARY: Yea, she’s not a rock.

BILL: Oh… oh I can’t take this? Issac, it’s late and I’ve got people to see in the morning. Please, please, don’t do anything stupid, understand?

ISSAC: (Sigh) Goodnight, Bill. (Bill exits) What do you think, Gary?

GARY: I quit thinking a while back.

ISSAC: What?

GARY: The reason why people think is so they can explore alternate routes in their lives. All other mammals live on instinct, so why not do that? Animals have never separated themselves from nature—not because they can’t but because it’s all they need to survive.

ISSAC: Wow, that’s… that’s amazing.

GARY: No, it’s logic.

ISSAC: Where did you learn that?

GARY: (Stands up) where do you think? Olivera Travels!

ISSAC: (Smiles) you going to bed?

GARY: That’s the plan.

ISSAC: Goodnight, Gary.

GARY: (Puts hand on Issac’s shoulder) Eat, it helps. (Walks off)

ISSAC: (Pause) I won’t die alone… I’ll make sure of it.

(Curtain down, end of Act 1)