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Post by Derek Nahigyan on Apr 2, 2008 20:37:15 GMT -5
Act 2, Scene 1
(Issac is jittery, bouncing his leg when Raine comes in. They are in a restaurant.)
ISSAC: Raine! (Gets up greeting her with a hug, then pulls out her chair for her rapidly)
RAINE: Wow, you’re so… (sits down) jittery this evening.
ISSAC: Not—not jittery, more… excited! (Sits down)
RAINE: Excited? What happened yesterday?
ISSAC: Ah, well a couple things.
RAINE: Such as…
ISSAC: Well (waiter, with the nametag Justice, walks up)
JUSTICE: Good evening my happy campers, (small chuckle to self), my name’s Justice and I welcome you to the Groundhog’s Burrow. Can I start you off with something to drink?
RAINE: Water’s fine with me.
ISSAC: Just a water.
JUSTICE: Great, I’ll have it for you in a minute (walks away)
ISSAC: Great! So, Raine, I—
JUSTICE: (Steps back over to table) I’m sorry do you want a lemon in your waters?
RAINE: Shure.
JUSTICE: And you sir?
ISSAC: Just the water.
JUSTICE: Understood. (Walks away)
ISSAC: So I went to dinner with Howard, right? And I—
JUSTICE: (Comes back) Also do you want ice in your drinks?
RAINE: That’d be great!
JUSTICE: Terrific! And the gentleman?
ISSAC: (Annoyed) Just the water.
JUSTICE: Alrighty. (Walks away)
ISSAC: Okay! Raine, Howard apparently has thought of me as his favorite since I started working at ‘Joy de la noche’ and—
RAINE: I’ve been meaning to ask, why is it called ‘Joy de la noche’?
ISSAC: Urk! Well it’s cus Joy in Spanish is alegría and that doesn’t sound fun or tasty so we made it English. Plus, two ethnicities are attracted to the title.
RAINE: Oh… wow that’s pretty smart.
ISSAC: Yeah… so Howard apparently loves me and sees me as himself—I mean at my age. Now, what I didn’t know is Howard is leaving, so as a gift, he decided to give me—(Justice walks over with a tray of waters)
JUSTICE: Excuse me here’s—
ISSAC: (Stands up screaming) Just the water!
JUSTICE: (Pauses, staring at Issac) Here… are your waters sir…
ISSAC: (Embarrassed) Oh thank you. (sits back down quietly)
JUSTICE: So, are we ready to order?
ISSAC: (Slams fists on table) Aw, come on! Five minutes alone, please!?
JUSTICE: Fine, Gah! (Offended, he walks off)
ISSAC: Okay! So—
RAINE: Wait I was pretty hungry.
ISSAC: Raine!
JUSTICE: (Comes back) So you are ready to order?
ISSAC: Oh my God!!
RALF: ‘Scuse me sir, can you stop aggravating Justice? It’s his first night.
ISSAC: Who are you!?
RALF: I’m Ralf, that’s Justice.
ISSAC: Look, I’m trying to tell my girlfriend I now own the restaurant!
RALF: (Taken aback) Oh.
JUSTICE: (Very servant-like) my apologies sir.
RAINE: You own the restaurant?!
ISSAC: Not this one!
JUSTICE: How dare you lie to me!
RAINE: So you don’t own a restaurant?
ISSAC: No, I own Joy de la noche!
RALF: Then what are you doing here?
ISSAC: Please, just three minutes!?
RALF: (Sigh) Fine. (the waiters stand looking out towards the audience)
ISSAC: (Looks at Raine and opens mouth, then looks back at the waiters) alone?
RALF: Right!
JUSTICE: Of course! (They exit)
RAINE: Are you okay?
ISSAC: I just want to talk to you, it’s irritating being interrupted.
RAINE: Well calm down, you’re scaring me.
ISSAC: Sorry—listen I—
RAINE: Oh and did I leave a pair of my shoes at—
ISSAC: Raine!
RAINE: Please don’t yell at me in public, Issac.
ISSAC: I’ve got important stuff to talk to you about.
RAINE: That’s true… so the restaurant?
ISSAC: Well, Howard gave it to me.
RAINE: That’s amazing, congratulations!
ISSAC: Thanks and see it was around that time that he told me why he was at this restaurant to begin with. It was because of Miss Beautiful.
RAINE: Who?
ISSAC: Miss Beautiful, he loved her, or didn’t… he just had feelings for her and followed his heart but she died and—
RAINE: Died?! Oh my God!
ISSAC: I know, and—
RAINE: Dying, how old was she?
ISSAC: I don’t know, uh, twenty-four?
RAINE: So young.
ISSAC: I know it’s tragic, but you see—
RAINE: What could she have died from you wonder?
ISSAC: She was murdered.
RAINE: Murdered?! Where’s Justice?!
JUSTICE: (Appears) You called?
ISSAC: No!
JUSTICE: But she said—
ISSAC: NO!! GO!!
JUSTICE: Gah! (Storms off)
ISSAC: Raine, Howard loved her and has lived alone since and I’ve been thinking; I can’t die alone, I’m scared, Raine I—
RALF: (Appears) Justice just told me—
ISSAC: Stop it! For the love of God, his nature, and all things holy; just let me talk!
RAINE: Issac, what’s gotten into you—?
ISSAC: Raine, will you marry me?
RAINE: (shocked) What?!
ISSAC: I can’t die alone, I just can’t. I need to be secured; I need to be cared for and I care for you. I mean we’re in love aren’t we? And y’know if you’re not yet, you will be, it only takes time. We have so little time on this Earth and why bother beating around the bush another few months, let’s just get married now; we’re great together, we’re peanut butter and jelly; it just fits, we fit, we mesh. So what do you say?
RAINE: We’ve been dating for a week.
ISSAC: And you’re gonna sit there and say you feel nothing? You don’t get butterflies with every phone call? I mean sure, it’s fast, it’s rash, it’s crazy but you don’t want to die alone do you? I mean it might be weird around your campus to wear a ring but rings are in style, they’re all the rage in France and other third-world countries. What do you think?
RAINE: (Mouth wide open) Uh—can we talk about this later?
RALF: No, this is getting interesting.
ISSAC: What are you still doing here?!
RALF: I work here!
ISSAC: Let me speak to your manager.
JUSTICE: We’ve let you speak for hours now!
ISSAC: I’ve had about five minutes!
JUSTICE: You selfish man.
ISSAC: Enough, alright?! Raine, I need to know where we are.
(Raine is dead silent)
RALF: (Pause) We’re in a restaurant.
ISSAC: Damnit Justice!
JUSTICE: (Points at Ralf) This isn’t Justice!
ISSAC: Nothing is!
JUSTICE: I am!
ISSAC: No I mean—
RAINE: I’m leaving.
JUSTICE: I thought your name was Raine?
RAINE: Issac, I don’t think you realize how sudden and abrupt this is. Until you figure yourself out and calm down, I suggest we don’t meet to prevent another one of these public atrocities.
ISSAC: But Raine I—
RAINE: When you’re secure with yourself, give me a call. (Gets up and leaves)
RALF: (Pause) Wow… that sucks.
JUSTICE: So are you ready to order?
(Issac drops his head to the tabe. Fade out.)
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Post by Derek Nahigyan on Apr 2, 2008 20:50:06 GMT -5
Act 2, Scene 2
(Fade into apartment. Bill is fishing in a fish bowl and Gary is at the door nodding and shaking his head to some woman. There’s another pole in the fish bowl that’s resting on the couch. Bill is looking over at Gary and the girl occasionally.)
GARY: (Girl hands Gary a paper) Uh-huh, okay, great! Nice meeting you, see you in three weeks! (Gary closes the door and picks up his pole that’s sitting in the fish bowl) Did you catch anything?
BILL: (Lifts pole out of the water) Not yet.
GARY: Good, then I’m winning!
BILL: You haven’t caught anything either.
GARY: Have you though?
BILL: No—
GARY: —I’m winning.
BILL: Who was that lady at the door?
GARY: Kerry.
BILL: She’s pretty… how’d you meet her?
GARY: She knocked.
BILL: No, when’d you meet her?
GARY: At the door.
BILL: (Agitated) how long have you known her?
GARY: (Thinks) twenty… four minutes.
BILL: Really?
GARY: No. (Bill nods) Twenty-three.
BILL: What? Then how’d she know you?
GARY: She just knew one of my clients.
BILL: So… (Gestures) she like you?
GARY: I don’t think so, she was pretty upset.
BILL: What happened?
GARY: I have to get three million dollars by the end of three weeks.
BILL: WHAT?!
GARY: Yes.
BILL: What happened?!
GARY: Shh, you’ll scare the fish.
BILL: Gary, this is serious!
GARY: That’s what she said.
BILL: I can imagine!
GARY: I’ll just up my price.
BILL: To a million dollars a check-up?!
GARY: Ooo, that’s not a bad idea.
BILL: Gary, do you not understand the severity of the situation?
GARY: I guess not.
BILL: How’re you gonna get that money?!
GARY: Well, I thought about asking my brother but apparently he’s already been informed.
BILL: Oh, no…
GARY: I think his campaign is in trouble.
BILL: What, why?
GARY: Remember how with Swartzenegger, his father or grandfather was a nazi and they used that against him in the election?
BILL: Oh and since you’re a fraud—
GARY: I am not a fraud.
BILL: Did you go to college?
GARY: Yes.
BILL: Did you attend classes?
GARY: No.
BILL: There you go.
GARY: Well… y’know maybe they’ll forget about it.
BILL: I don’t think people forget about three million dollars.
GARY: Hm… this is a pickle. What would you do in my situation?
BILL: Honestly? I’d run away.
GARY: To where?
BILL: Mexico… China… Venezuela…
GARY: You know I’ve always wanted to visit Venezuela.
BILL: I always pictured you as a China kinda guy.
GARY: …But, I wouldn’t want to leave you and Issac.
BILL: Naw, it wouldn’t be so bad.
GARY: Well I wouldn’t want to leave Issac.
BILL: Hey! (Raine walks in)
GARY: Raine!
RAINE: (Out of breath) Hi Gary! Is Issac here?
BILL: I don’t get a hello?
RAINE: Sorry I—
GARY: Hi Bill!
BILL: Not from you.
RAINE: Hi Bill. Now look I—
BILL: I asked for a hello.
GARY: Hello Bill!
BILL: Did you already forget?
GARY: Did you know I owe four billion dollars?
BILL: Three million.
GARY: That’s a relief!
RAINE: Both of you stop!
BILL: (Pause) Eh?
RAINE: Where’s Issac?
BILL: I thought he was with you.
RAINE: No…
GARY: Weren’t you two at dinner?
RAINE: Well… eh, kinda.
GARY: (Fatherly) Raine?
RAINE: Well… he—he asked me… t—to marry him…
GARY: Good for you!
RAINE: I said no.
BILL: Good for you!
RAINE: Do either of you know why he would do that?
BILL: Ah, Howard’s got him messed up.
RAINE: Howard? That old pervert?
BILL: Do not speak ill of that man!
RAINE: You really treat him like royalty.
GARY: You can’t blame him; without a father in his life I’m shure it’s been difficult.
BILL: I have a dad.
GARY: Then who doesn’t?
RAINE: That’s Issac.
GARY: Oh yea.
RAINE: Who did Issac date before me?
BILL: That would be… (thinks)
GARY: KATHREN!!
RAINE: Wow, are you okay?
GARY: That woman was awful.
BILL: Vile even.
GARY: Twisted.
BILL: Cruel.
GARY: Irksome.
BILL: Malicious.
GARY: Evil.
BILL: Coarse.
GARY: Inhuman.
BILL: Wretched.
GARY: Scary.
BOTH: (Bill and Gary look at each other and nod in unison) A bitch.
RAINE: How long were they together?
GARY: Four years.
RAINE: Whoa! Why’d they break up?
GARY: She was a crook!
RAINE: A what?
BILL: A criminal, a robber, a thief, a burglar—
GARY: —a jerk.
BILL: Not a synonym but I’ll take it. She would steal thousands of dollars, hundreds of jewels, countless souls.
RAINE: Jeez.
BILL: He’s pretty much terrified of commitment.
RAINE: Not anymore it seems.
GARY: I’ll be back. (Gets up and starts moving)
BILL: Where are you going?
GARY: I’ve got three million dollars to get, who better to talk to?
BILL: Gary, you’re not going to steal are you?
GARY: (exits upstage and comes out with a football helmet on) well if I can’t clear my name, then my brother is screwed.
RAINE: You love your brother a lot don’t you?
GARY: Of course, he’s family. (Opens door)
BILL: (Menacing tone) Gary! (Gary turns; Bill pauses and then stands up with a salute) God speed.
GARY: (Smiles and returns the salute, then walks out) be seeing you.
BILL: (Sits back down) He’s a dead man.
RAINE: What makes this Kathren so dangerous?
BILL: She… she used to… (Raine leans in closer as Bill blurts it out) she used to eat all our food!
RAINE: That’s it?!
BILL: (Grabs Raine by the shoulders) you don’t understand! She ate everything! We’d come home starved and our refrigerator would be vacant.
RAINE: You’re exaggerating.
BILL: I wish, but she was like a black hole.
RAINE: Is she… (Makes fat gesture)
BILL: Hardly, she’s no larger than you or me.
RAINE: Then how’d she eat so much?
BILL: That’s the worst part… she’s bulimic.
RAINE: (Terrified) oh my.
BILL: Precious food, all gone. I fear that unless Gary’s loaded with snacks… she’ll get so hungry that she’ll—
RAINE: —EAT HIM?!
BILL: No, just beat him up, she’s no cannibal.
RAINE: Bill, can you tell Issac to call me when he gets home?
BILL: Yes, but I thought—
RAINE: I’m in no hurry to get married but I’m afraid of losing a good thing, understand?
BILL: No, but I think it’s easier that I don’t.
RAINE: Okay, thank you Bill.
BILL: No problem.
RAINE: Bye. (exits)
BILL: Bye. (Pause) Show me the way to go home, I’m tired and I want to go to bed.
(Fade out)
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Post by Derek Nahigyan on Apr 2, 2008 20:50:49 GMT -5
Act 2, Scene 3
(Jail cell, Kathren is sitting on the far side of the room, when Gary enters from stage right. It’s very dark.)
GARY: K—Kathren?
KATHREN: Gary… I haven’t seen you in a while.
GARY: Uh, yes, well I—uh—
KATHREN: Why… why do you wear the helmet?
GARY: Because… I don’t want you to hit me again.
KATHREN: Gary… (runs up to Gary, throwing him against the wall. She slowly removes the helmet while Gary remains in shock) why would I hit you? (she retreats to the other side of the room, stroking the helmet.) You need me for something, don’t you?
GARY: What makes you say that? (Frozen flat against the wall)
KATHREN: Because, you would never come see me willingly.
GARY: I was afraid that you’d—
KATHREN: I’d what, harm you? Please, Gary, I’m a simple… little… girl (Turns, hurling the helmet at Gary barely missing him)
GARY: Aihhh!!
KATHREN: C’mon Gary, isn’t this fun?
GARY: Um, maybe this was a bad idea.
KATHREN: There are no mistakes—
GARY: Only regrets…
KATHREN: Olivera Travels. (Pause) How much?
GARY: Huh?
KATHREN: How much do you need?
GARY: Three million.
KATHREN: You’re in deep.
GARY: Yes, I—I was caught.
KATHREN: With all those jobs you do… I know.
GARY: You know?
KATHREN: Yes, which client do you think told them?
GARY: I don’t know…
KATHREN: Heeheehee, oh Gary. I told them my facts.
GARY: I—I don’t understand.
KATHREN: I know Gary, I know—it’s delicious. (Pause) Ask what my facts are.
GARY: Can’t you tell me?
KATHREN: I said ask!
GARY: (Gulps) What are your facts?
KATHREN: You’re… DYING to know.
GARY: I don’t know about that.
KATHREN: No, you wouldn’t… but I do. I said Peter Jenkins… my word doesn’t he have a brother?
GARY: You know I’m his brother.
KATHREN: Yes, but my guards didn’t; I felt that it would be very wrong of me to hold back some information on a criminal when it could get a normal officer promoted, wouldn’t you agree? I was merely being a good Samaritan.
GARY: You mean—
KATHREN: I told them what they wanted to hear—or should hear—and now, here you are. I’ve missed you so much. (She lunges over to him) Dance with me, Gary.
GARY: (Frozen against wall) Uh—um—well I—(moves cautiously to the door but Kathren grabs him, slamming him into her body. She clearly dominates the dance as Gary continuously tries to escape but he is her doll. As the dance ends Kathren kicks Gary down.)
KATHREN: You’re getting me out.
GARY: (Coughs) Huc, but I’m not a criminal…
KATHREN: Then what are you?! If you don’t come to terms with yourself, then how will we negotiate?
GARY: I’m just a person.
KATHREN: A person?! What’s a person without a job? Useless.
GARY: I have a job… (Wiggles on ground)
KATHREN: Look at yourself, squirming like an insect! You’re pathetic, you’re utterly useless. Your existence is a cruel joke.
GARY: You don’t have a job.
KATHREN: Gary… I’m a thief!
GARY: Then what am I, (sudden realization) useless?
KATHREN: (Slaps Gary) No! I am a thief (Crouches to his level) and you’re here to do a thief’s work.
GARY: What do you want from me?
KATHREN: (Rises) you really are simply Gary, you’ve already brought me the necessary tools. (She begins walking towards the helmet)
GARY: I have?
KATHREN: Of course. You don’t think that I’d send for a package with missing pieces, do you? (she picks up helmet and a guard begins walking by) Guard! (Kathren throws the helmet and the guard goes down, Kathren picks Gary up and moves out of the cell) Come on!
GARY: What’re we gonna do about him?
KATHREN: (Looks back at guard) I told him to guard. (They exit)
(A few chairs are onstage, Bernard is sitting in one of them facing the audience. Songa comes in from stage right, straightening her hair)
SONGA: Oh, that Damien is such a kidder.
BERNARD: You… (struggles with English) you—still—love?
SONGA: Of course not, Bernard. He was just another tool like you. (taps Bernard’s nose with her index finger)
BERNARD: Me? And—and—
SONGA: Damien, yes.
BERNARD: Us are tools?
SONGA: Bernard, you’re a sweet guy but not my type.
BERNARD: So you still love—
SONGA: No I don’t.
BERNARD: (Struggles to complete the sentence) so you still love—
SONGA: No, sorry.
BERNARD: Billy.
SONGA: (Stops shocked) Oh! (Regains composure) no, no, I—I don’t think so.
BERNARD: You concerned, eh?
SONGA: (Caught) I—I just
(Gary and Kathren run by. Gary stops)
GARY: Songa!
SONGA: Gary, my goodness, I haven’t seen you in so long.
GARY: Aw, Songa I’ve missed you.
KATHREN: You also missed a few brain cells, now come on! (Tries to pull Gary away)
SONGA: Is that…? (Kathren cringes) Kathren.
KATHREN: (Sucks up air and puffs chest out. She turns and faces Songa) Songa, you visiting or just a terrible person?
SONGA: Visiting and you?
KATHREN: At the moment, I’m visiting a terrible person.
BERNARD: Friends?
SONGA: The best of.
KATHREN: You and Bill doing well?
SONGA: I think you know the answer to that.
KATHREN: I know, funny how that works. Luckily, Issac and I—
SONGA: Oh please, you two are finished.
KATHREN: I didn’t end it, we’re still together.
SONGA: You’re a terrible person.
KATHREN: That’s why I’m here.
SONGA: A—hah, I wonder what Raine’ll say about this?
KATHREN: Raine?
GARY: They broke up.
SONGA & KATHREN: WHAT?!
(Overlapping)
SONGA: When did this happen?
KATHREN: He’s dating?!
GARY: Well I mean, they had a fight because he’s scared of dying alone, so he wanted to get married (everyone looks shocked) y’know I don’t really get it either, I should talk to Izzy about it.
BERNARD: Marry? Why?
GARY: Hey, you learned English! Uh… (Snaps fingers) oh! ¿Cómo se siente usted en esta noche hermosa, mi amigo?
BERNARD: What?
GARY: Shucks, well hey, it’s an easy language, you’ll catch on.
KATHREN: Gary, you’re so helpless.
SONGA: Gary, doesn’t need you.
KATHREN: Doesn’t he? I know I need him… scapegoats are so hard to locate nowadays.
SONGA: You mean—
GARY: Why do you need goats?
KATHREN: I don’t… not when I have you and Issac. Come on there’s a bank calling us.
SONGA: Gary?!
GARY: Sorry, (pulls out cell phone from his pocket and flips it open) I gotta take this.
SONGA: Gary?!
GARY: Shh, yes? … Hello?
KATHREN: Come on, the bank’s getting impatient! (pulls Gary offstage)
GARY: Then why won’t they say something? Hello? Hello?! (exits with Kathren)
SONGA: Urgh! I can’t believe this.
BERNARD: Us should warn… Po Po?
SONGA: Can’t! Gary would get arrested.
BERNARD: Then what us do?
SONGA: Let’s find Bill.
BERNARD: Billy!
(Fade out)
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Post by Derek Nahigyan on Apr 2, 2008 20:57:34 GMT -5
Act 2, Scene 4
(Joy de la noche-setting. Bill and Issac are standing stage right with Bill shaking his head)
BILL: I knew you were crazy.
ISSAC: I’ve lost it; I’ve lost everything.
BILL: I knew you were crazy.
ISSAC: Raine… Raine was perfect and I blew it.
BILL: Crazy, crazy, crazy.
ISSAC: Are you gonna help me or not?!
BILL: I tried to help you but, clearly, you’re crazy.
ISSAC: I’ll listen now.
BILL: Well I think, number one, you gotta get over this whole (wiggles his hands) ‘I’ll die alone’ thing.
ISSAC: But I don’t want to be missing out of—
BILL: Missing out?! You’re only twenty-two Issac! Who’s going to end your life now?! Have you made any enemies?! Friends with the mob—is that where you go on weekends?
RONNIE: Eh, Bill! I gotta—
BILL: (Screaming at the top of his lungs) WHAT?! What Ronnie?!
RONNIE: (taken aback) There’s a girl here for you.
ISSAC: You—a girl?
BILL: Rrgh! (Sighs) You (juts index finger into Issac’s chest) You stay here. (Bill walks over to counter, where a girl stands with her back turned) Hello, welcome to—
SONGA: (turns around) Hi Bill.
BILL: We hope you’ve enjoyed your meal and goodbye. (Begins to walk away)
SONGA: No wait! (Bill stops and turns) I need your help.
BILL: (Looks at Songa, then all around him, checking in a plant upstage) Where’s the camera?
SONGA: Bill, I actually need your help.
BILL: Right and I need an elephant.
SONGA: I’m serious.
BILL: I am too, an elephant is more environmentally safe and not a bad way to travel.
SONGA: Bill!
BILL: Songa, I don’t want to see you.
SONGA: Then cover your eyes because you have to listen. Gary is going to get himself into trouble unless we do something.
BILL: We?
SONGA: We! You and I!
BILL: There is no we! (Bernard enters)
BERNARD: Qui?
BILL: What is he doing here?
SONGA: He’s a friend helping a friend.
BILL: Since when have we been friends?
SONGA: Since you stopped being a jackass and decided to help Gary.
BILL: (Pause) What’s he gotten himself into?
SONGA: He was at Kathren’s prison and she’s escaped.
BILL: Call the police.
SONGA: And risk Gary’s involvement?
BILL: Damnit! I warned him—(Issac walks over)
SONGA: You knew?
ISSAC: Hey, I’m done for the night.
BILL: It’s five o’ clock!
ISSAC: Yea, hence, I’m done for the night.
BILL: You’re done for the day.
ISSAC: But it’s five.
BILL: That doesn’t make it night.
ISSAC: What do you mean? Everyone gets off work around five.
BILL: Yeah, around five is called six.
ISSAC: No, five is the time of day that changes the light and sky outside.
BILL: There are 24 hours in a day, divide that by six.
ISSAC: Four.
BILL: Twelve, six, twelve, six. Understand?
ISSAC: You’re ridiculous.
SONGA: No, he’s got a point.
ISSAC: That six is night and five means nothing?
SONGA: Yup, although all the good television starts at seven.
BILL: Don’t get me started.
ISSAC: I’m just letting you know I’m heading out.
BILL: Wait, you’re not still crazy are you?
ISSAC: Please, Bill, I learn. (Kathren enters)
KATHREN: Izzy, Wizzy!! (Runs into his arms) I thought I’d never see you again!
SONGA and BILL: Oh Lord!
KATHREN: You wanna get married?
BILL: What?
SONGA: What?!
ISSAC: Yes!
KATHREN: Aw (hugs Issac) I’m the happiest girl in the world! (Kathren turns to go outside) See you later stud.
(Bill and Songa stare at Issac, he slowly turns)
ISSAC: What?
BILL: Guh!?
SONGA: Where did she come from? And what did you just do?!
ISSAC: I secured my future.
BILL: You’re killing yourself!
ISSAC: I’m not going to die alone!
BILL: (Rolls up sleeve) That’s what you think!
SONGA: Issac, do you know what you’re doing?
ISSAC: Hmm, I’m making a steady pay, going home to shower and then see a movie (pause) with my fiancé.
BILL: Your job sucks, you smell bad, and you suck.
ISSAC: You suck!
SONGA: Whoa! Before this mature display of juvenile junky violence continues I think we should get some answers.
BERNARD: Gary is—
ISSAC: Where’d you come from?!
SONGA: He’s been here awhile.
ISSAC: No way; I would’ve seen him.
BILL: (Sarcastic) Right because you see everything.
ISSAC: No, but Bernard is hard to miss.
SONGA: Miss? Like you’re gonna shoot him?!
ISSAC: No!
BILL: But if he did it’d be like nailing a baby seal to a tree.
SONGA: WHAT?!
BILL: Aw c’mon you’ve never tried that!
SONGA: Of course not.
BILL: You should it’s a great rush.
ISSAC: You call me crazy?
BILL: I call you when I’ve got nothing better to do.
SONGA: Calm down!
BILL: Calm down? Issac’s getting married!
ISSAC: What’s the big deal?
SONGA: You’re not even in love!
ISSAC: I will learn, just look at Bernard.
BERNARD: Hello!
BILL: Shut up!
SONGA: We should be worrying about Gary right now!
ISSAC: Gary, what happened?
BILL: Oh like you even care!
ISSAC: I care!
BILL: About Raine, not Kathren.
ISSAC: I—
SONGA: Why’d you ask her to marry you?
ISSAC: Because I had no alternative!
BILL: Right, get married… or die tomorrow.
ISSAC: That’s not what I meant.
SONGA: What are you saying?
ISSAC: If I get too old…
BILL: He won’t be attractive, (sarcastic) oh, no! (Howard is on his way over)
SONGA: Bill, be sensitive!
BILL: But he’s—
BERNARD: A baby.
BILL: (Points at Bernard) Yes! (Looks at Bernard) Now shut up!
SONGA: Stop it.
BILL: What? He does whatever people ask of him.
ISSAC: Oh I do not!
BILL: Oh please! (Pantomimes holding a phone) Izzy, can you get me a pale of ice for my sore, sore back.
ISSAC: That was a favour!
BILL: Gary and I were betting how outrageous the chores could get before you said no.
ISSAC: (Shocked) Jerk!
SONGA: No, I meant don’t tell Bernard to shut up.
BILL: You shut up.
SONGA: I need to talk about Gary.
ISSAC: Let her talk Bill.
BILL: What?!
BERNARD: Shut up.
BILL: (Stares at Bernard) You’re dead.
HOWARD: What’s going on here? Bill, you’re supposed to be working.
BILL: I’m working on your boy right here.
HOWARD: Oh Izzy, how goes it?
ISSAC: I’m getting married.
HOWARD: Wonderful!
BILL: Not to a person he loves!
SONGA: (Frustrated) Gary’s going to rob a bank!
EVERYONE: What?!
SONGA: He released Kathren to get money!
ISSAC: I gotta talk to Gary!
BILL: You gotta nothin’—we settle this one psycho at a time.
ISSAC: I’m getting married.
HOWARD: That’s all that matters.
SONGA: Aw, shut up!
HOWARD: Excuse me?!
SONGA: You perverted jerk, you’ve molded this poor kid for too long.
BILL: Don’t insult my boss.
SONGA: You even told me that Howard messes people up.
HOWARD: Bill!
BILL: Mentally, I said it mentally! And in private.
ISSAC: Howard didn’t mess me up!
SONGA: Liar!
ISSAC: He’s opened my eyes.
BILL: Then you’re a blind man.
HOWARD: Picking on the blind, Bill?
BILL: No!
SONGA: That’s so low.
BILL: Look, I have no problem with the blind.
ISSAC: Hard to believe.
BILL: How so?
SONGA: You kill baby seals!
HOWARD: (Laughs) Oh ho ho, that was a hoot.
SONGA: You twisted—
ISSAC: Songa, where’s Gary?
SONGA: I saw him yesterday with Kathren, I thought he’d still be with her.
BILL: He’s probably at the apartment.
HOWARD: Gary? He doesn’t work for me.
SONGA: Then he doesn’t matter right?
HOWARD: Precisely.
SONGA: Pig!
ISSAC: Hey, he’s a good guy.
SONGA: Issac?!
ISSAC: I love Gary.
SONGA: I’m talking about Howard.
ISSAC: Oh… well he’s not that bad.
BILL: You can’t talk, you’re getting married.
ISSAC: What’s that got to do with anything?
BILL: You lose the right of opinions.
SONGA: Hey! (Hits Bill)
HOWARD: It’s true.
ISSAC: How would you know?
HOWARD: I was married once.
ISSAC: What?
HOWARD: I didn’t tell you that, did I?
ISSAC: NO!
(Overlapping)
BERNARD: Qui!
HOWARD: Aw, Vegas…
BILL: Shut up!
BERNARD: Shut up!
SONGA: Don’t tell Bernard to shut up!
HOWARD: Bill, are you married to her?
BILL: No.
HOWARD: Then tell her to shut up.
SONGA: You shut up!
ISSAC: Songa?
SONGA: This guy’s not a man.
BILL: He’s not chivalrous, but he’s definitely a man.
ISSAC: Oh shut up.
RONNIE: Hey Bill, I got a propostition for—
EVERYONE: (All turn to Ronnie and scream) SHUT UP!!
RONNIE: Eh, excuse me. All you people have done since day one is shun and disrespected me; y’know I really look up to you Bill but all you do is shoot me down. You think I haven’t daydreamed of baby seals with you or having profound talks on my love life? I worship the ground you walk on; I inhale the air you breath. You are the man. The man, Bill. And every time I see you and Issac together, I pray for Issac to move or quit his job so I can stand beside you, just be protected, but then every time I get close or make a joke, you just push me away. I—I love you Bill, you asked why I keep coming back and it’s because I love you. It’s platonic but you’re the idol I’ve been searching for—my very own role model—and all I ask is that we hang out just once; please, Bill, please give me a chance!
BILL: (Pause, utterly emabarrassed) Right… so Thursday?
RONNIE: That’d be breathtaking!
BILL: Okay, I’ll see you then.
RONNIE: Cool! (Walks off smiling)
BILL: So… anyone wanna accompany me on Thursday?
ISSAC: I dunno, I’ve always wanted to get married on a Thursday.
BILL: Oh my—
(Everyone starts yelling and rambling and yelling and screaming and yelling and everything they say is just blurred in a mosh of confusion as a cell phone begins to get louder and louder, slowly dominating over the noise. Soon everyone stops talking and listens as Issac’s cell phone rings and he picks up)
ISSAC: Hello? Mom! Are you okay? … oh… (hangs up)
BILL: What happened?
ISSAC: My father died.
(Fade out)
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Post by Derek Nahigyan on Apr 2, 2008 21:06:51 GMT -5
Act 2, Scene 5
(Opens at a funeral, there’s a couch in the middle and people are walking around with sad expressions on their faces. A quiet hub-bub from the mourners can be heard even as Issac enters)
ISSAC: Hi mom.
MOORE: Oh Issac, I’m glad you’re here. (Hugs)
ISSAC: How’re you?
MOORE: Eh? I get by. (sits on couch) What about you, are you here with anyone?
ISSAC: Uh, actually, my fiancé is here.
MOORE: Oh my! That’s great… when did you plan on telling me?
ISSAC: (Caught) Erm, right now?
MOORE: Oh, ok! So where is she?
ISSAC: She’s right—(he looks behind him to see Kathren messing with a mourner)
KATHREN: Why is everyone so sad? I mean it’s not like you’re the ones in the casket. Let’s get a game of twister goin’.
ISSAC: Y’know… I don’t see her; (turns back to his mother) she must be in the bathroom.
MOORE: At least she looks pretty.
ISSAC: What?
MOORE: Izzy, it’s not hard to point out 20-year-olds in a room full of old people.
ISSAC: You’re not old.
MOORE: I haven’t been hit on in ten years. I’m old.
ISSAC: Well, the art of flirting has changed since then; it’s mostly silent now.
MOORE: But my butt hasn’t been pinched in a decade.
ISSAC: MOM!
MOORE: What? I see young people pinching fannies all the time, I mean if any of them did I’d slap ‘em somethin’ good but it’s the thought that counts.
ISSAC: I—I can’t believe—
MOORE: I mean David used to pinch my butt every now and then but it’s not the same.
ISSAC: Mom, I don’t wanna hear this!
MOORE: Why can’t your mother get the same treatment that other women get?
ISSAC: I have never pinched a—
MOORE: Don’t censor yourself for my benefit, Izzy—I know boys.
ISSAC: (Sigh) yes, mom.
MOORE: So do you want to see your father?
ISSAC: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that; see, you don’t seem depressed about—
(David walks in and sits on the couch beside Moore)
DAVID: Hello, Issac!
ISSAC: (Jumps) WHAT?!
MOORE: Honey, what’s the matter?
ISSAC: DAVID! He’s right there!
MOORE: Well of course.
DAVID: Are you okay, Issac?
ISSAC: You—You’re dead!
DAVID: (Looks at himself) well what do you know?
MOORE: Izzy, David’s not dead.
ISSAC: But the funeral—the suits—friends and family!!
MOORE: Your real father, the one your blood connects you to; Alvin is dead.
ISSAC: (Pause) Bye. (Starts leaving)
MOORE: (Gets up) Issac, stop!
ISSAC: No, mom! I don’t want to be here.
MOORE: He’s your father!
ISSAC: He’s dead to me!
DAVID: I think that’s true of everyone here.
ISSAC: You don’t understand.
DAVID: Issac, sit down.
ISSAC: This guy ran out on me, he’s not a stranger, he’s my enemy; Am I supposed to just sit here with people who care about him and love him and miss him when I don’t? I don’t know Alvin, he’s not my father, and I’m certain he deserved what he got!
MOORE: You can’t mean that.
ISSAC: How could you even be here?
MOORE: Because I love him, he’s a good man.
DAVID: He may be dead but I am the jealous type.
MOORE: Oh, David.
ISSAC: He’s a failure as a father; I’m not staying here, not for him!
MOORE: Issac, it’s important to pay your respect to—
ISSAC: Respect?! That man deserves respect?! He’s a clown, a self-absorbed lunatic who deserves to be spit on!
MOURNERS: (Murmer and to one another then turn looking at Issac. It’s dead silent when Kathren walks in with her arm over a mourner’s shoulder.)
KATHREN: You see my fiancé is a great man. Why he’s right—(notices the silence and stares at Issac)—hmm, well he’s around here somewhere; let’s be off! (exits)
ISSAC: (clears throat) Sorry everyone, I—I just—uh—
MOORE: He’s Alvin’s son.
MOURNERS: Oh, nevermind! (All continue chatting and going about their business)
DAVID: Issac, your father and I used to be good friends.
ISSAC: (Folds arms as he returns with Moore to the couch) I know.
DAVID: I owe him a great deal. Now, is your life a wreck?
ISSAC: I don’t know, I mean, there’s a lot happening.
DAVID: Not the trivial mumbo jumbo and the problems that will pass. Are you happy? Shouldn’t you thank him for bringing you into the world?
ISSAC: (Thinks) No. Gosh, I shouldn’t be here.
MOORE: Well we don’t have to talk about Alvin, we can talk about something else; like—oh off the top of my head—you’re getting married.
ISSAC: (Crosses leg) I guess.
DAVID: Congratulations!
MOORE: You don’t seem happy.
ISSAC: (Stands up and in the fakest way imaginable says) I am. I’m very happy; I’m all sparkily sunshine and dazzlin’ rainbows, mom.
MOORE: That bad, huh?
ISSAC: (Shoulders drop and his tone changes) How can you tell?
MOORE: Issac, the last time you referred to yourself as a rainbow, you were playing a bunny in the 3rd grade play.
DAVID: What?
ISSAC: (Laughing) Mom, are you taking pills (dead serious) cus you’re crazy.
DAVID: (Excited) Wait a minute, I remember dropping you off at school and having to pick you up around five, is that what you were rehearsing for? Why didn’t you invite me to see it?
ISSAC: See what?! There was no bunny!
MOORE: You’re right… I believe you were referred to as a “wittle wabbit.”
ISSAC: MOM!!
MOORE: Oh please, if I didn’t get to embarrass you in your prime, my life wouldn’t be… sunshine… and rainbows.
DAVID: (Loving this) do you have pictures?
MOORE: Of course!
ISSAC: You told me you burned those.
MOORE: I also told you Santa Claus was real.
ISSAC: I thought parents were suppose to love and care for their children.
MOORE: Aw, we do (pinches his cheek).
DAVID: We just express it differently (rises from couch and spreads his arms) Give me a hug.
ISSAC: (Sigh) Ok. (Walks into David’s arms only to have David make a fart noise with his tongue.) David!
DAVID: Sorry, sorry; give me another one.
ISSAC: No, I’m in trouble!
MOORE: Issac, we’re all in trouble, everyone one of us: you, me, David, Gary, your fearless Bill, our neighbors and friends, even your father.
ISSAC: He’s dead.
MOORE: See what I mean? Now I know you don’t want to get married, you’re ashamed to be seen with the girl.
ISSAC: I don’t want to be like my father… I mean, Alvin.
MOORE: David, honey?
DAVID: Yes?
MOORE: Could you leave for a minute?
DAVID: Shure! (Walks away)
MOORE: Sit down Izzy (he remains standing) well come on, sit.
ISSAC: (Sits beside her) Okay, what?
MOORE: I’ve never really talked to you about Alvin, huh?
ISSAC: I never really wanted to hear about him.
MOORE: (Continues speaking, ignoring Issac’s last remark.) You never even saw his face growing up.
ISSAC: You pulled down all his pictures.
MOORE: Of course I did! I was angry, furious, ready to kill something; you’re lucky you weren’t in the room.
ISSAC: Haha, I know you’re joking but that’s kinda… (Moore stares at Issac, her face frozen) Con—continue?
MOORE: Aw, right, I wanted to make shure you were protected; I wanted to make shure you were safe. Sound familiar?
ISSAC: Well marriage does make you safe… doesn’t it?
MOORE: Izzy, if anything, it leads to more problems that are much bigger than anything you’ve faced before. Do you understand why your father left?
ISSAC: My father left because…
MOORE: I wanted to get married.
ISSAC: (Jaw drops, eyes wide open; utter shock) Oh… my… God… (Rolls hand through his hair and stares at the ground)
MOORE: (Pause) you like the carpet? I thought it clashed with the wall paper but, y’know, I think I like the contrast.
ISSAC: Why didn’t I talk to you instead of other people?
MOORE: You should always tell your mother when you’re getting married.
ISSAC: I wasn’t thinking!
MOORE: No, you were—that’s the problem. Issac, I love David, I really do… but he’s the runner-up—my silver medal. I’d give up everything for a chance to be with Alvin again. Your father didn’t leave because he was unfit for parenting or a bad man; it was because he was already prepared and a good man that he didn’t want to get married. He said, “We’re perfect the way we are, why jeopardize that?” His parents would talk about when they used to date and how much fun and happiness they had, then—when they got married—they did nothing but fight and yell at each other. He didn’t want you to grow up with parents who hated each other and only felt obligated to stay together because they were married. Alvin didn’t run away, I pushed him; it took me so long before I realized that.
ISSAC: (Beat) you’re right… you’re absolutely right. (Smiles) Heh, I spent so much time trying not to be Alvin that I’ve turned into you.
MOORE: Someone has to replace me.
ISSAC: I don’t know if I’m up to it.
MOORE: (Smiles) you still have time.
ISSAC: (Pause but while smiling shouts) KATHREN!
MOORE: (Worried) you’re dumping her here?!
ISSAC: Trust me, I dated her for four years, I know what I’m doing. Kathren!
KATHREN: (Enters) what do you want?
ISSAC: Honey, I just want you to meet my mother, Mrs. Rachel Moore.
KATHREN: Hello, Moore, pleasure to meet you. Is that all?
ISSAC: Oh yes, I just wanted her to see the gene pool.
KATHREN: The whatzits?
ISSAC: You know, your DNA? I know we’re going to have at least twelve kids. (Winks at Moore).
KATHREN: Tw—twelve kids?
MOORE: Always was a dream of mine to have bundles of grandkids.
ISSAC: Oh yes, unless you think we should have more?
KATHREN: More?!
MOORE: Oh please, call me mom.
ISSAC: And we’ll be living on the prairie so the kids could skip and play in the fields but it’d be safe because we’d be secluded from everyone else.
KATHREN: No… no people?
ISSAC: Who needs people when we have each other? Besides when we home-school our children we’ll be too busy to care about meeting new people.
KATHREN: (Freaked out and insecure) Uh… Uh-huh…
ISSAC: And when the kids go off to college, we can watch reruns of ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’ until the end of time.
KATHREN: That’s it! That’s enough!
ISSAC: Sweetie, what’s the matter, I thought that’s what you wanted?
KATHREN: I don’t want that! They—they were all right… you’re crazy!
ISSAC: (Looks at Moore) isn’t she funny?
MOORE: I hope your kids inherit that sense of humor. (They both laugh)
KATHREN: NO, NO, NO!!! That’s it, Issac we’re through—I’m outta here! (runs off)
ISSAC: That went well.
MOORE: What are you gonna do now?
ISSAC: There are a lot of things I gotta take care of.
MOORE: Alright, it was nice to see you and look, I know you didn’t want to be here but I really appreciate it.
ISSAC: Hey, I wanted to be here.
MOORE: I know he would’ve liked that.
ISSAC: He better, he’s my dad!
(Fade out.)
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Post by Derek Nahigyan on Apr 2, 2008 21:19:53 GMT -5
Act 2, Scene 6
(Bill and Songa are sitting at the center table in the Groundhog’s Burrow stage right. The other side of the stage is Gary lying down on the apartment couch. The lights go up on the restaurant.)
SONGA: Shouldn’t we be helping Gary right now?
BILL: No, first I need to know where you are.
SONGA: Where I am?
BILL: I don’t know why you came to me instead of Issac, so there must be a reason.
SONGA: Bill, there was no reason other than I thought you wanted to help Gary.
BILL: Of course I want to help Gary.
SONGA: Then why are we here?
BILL: You still love me.
SONGA: (Pause) I beg your pardon?
BILL: You still love me.
JUSTICE: (Enters) Hello happy campers, welcome to the ‘Groundhog’s Burrow’! My name’s Justice I’ll be your waiter for the evening.
(Fade out. Fade into apartment where there’s a loud knocking at the door. Gary—startled—hops up from the couch, falling flat on the floor. He tries to get back up but continuously is falling over objects.)
GARY: Gak! Hold on, I’m coming! (Trips over book, tumbling to the floor) I—I’m coming! Just a minute I—(sets book down but falls over table behind him) Aah! Hold on I just ah! (Falls down but while still on the ground shouts) It’s open!
PETER: (Enters and stops still standing in the doorway)
GARY: (Gets up and pauses) Brother! (Extends arms for a hug, smiling)
PETER: (Smiles and walks over with open arms but then begins to strangle Gary viciously) Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant)
SONGA: Bill, I’m over you.
BILL: How can you lie like that?
SONGA: Bill, we broke up a while ago.
BILL: But here we are, together again.
SONGA: Whoa! We’re not together.
BILL: Songa, please. It’s obvious you still have feelings for me.
SONGA: Bill I—
BILL: (Reaches over and presses his finger against her lips) Shh, shh, shh… it’s okay, I love you too.
JUSTICE: (Walks on with a tray of waters) We-hell! Here are your waters, are you ready to order?
BILL: In a bit.
JUSTICE: Alrighty-roo! (Walks offstage)
SONGA: …I’m gonna kill that guy.
BILL: Don’t change the subject.
SONGA: So you love me?
BILL: And you love me.
SONGA: I do not.
BILL: (Looks around) who’re you trying to lie to? You’ve just been with Bernard or Damien or Bloody Murderer because you were trying to keep your hands off me.
SONGA: You are so shure of yourself.
BILL: Of course, I know I’m right.
SONGA: What happened to women being crazy?
BILL: Well they are, but I don’t care.
SONGA: (Sigh) Bill, there’s a—
(Justice is seating Howard and Cerino)
JUSTICE: Good evening happy campers, welcome to the Groundhog’s Burrow, aheh heh, my name’s Justice, I’ll be your server for the evening.
HOWARD: Ah, always good to have such friendliness!
BILL: (Jumps in his seat and slowly turns around to see Howard, then quickly snaps back in front of Songa) oh, no!
SONGA: What is it?
BILL: That’s Howard!
SONGA: So?
BILL: If he sees me with you, he’ll be very upset.
SONGA: Why’s that?
BILL: After what you said to him, would you expect anything less?
SONGA: Oh! (Interest peaks) so you’re ashamed of me?
BILL: No, that’s not it!
HOWARD: (Hears Bill’s voice and turns) Bill?
BILL: (Jumps onto the table so that he’s sitting with his legs dangling onto the chair; blocking Songa from being seen.) Yea, boss? I mean Howard.
HOWARD: Well, if it isn’t my disciple! Come, give me a hug.
BILL: (Looks behind him at Songa, then jumps into Howard’s arms, swinging him around so that Howard’s back is to Songa) Aw, Howie, I’m so glad to see you!
HOWARD: My, my, I like these conditions better than the one a few nights ago.
BILL: What on Earth, do you mean?
HOWARD: That woman—what’s her name—Serena.
SONGA: (Slams fist on table while standing up) Songa!
HOWARD: Songa? Why that’s (slowly turns but Bill jumps onto the table, standing)
BILL: Sir, you should’ve seen the Golden Tower today (kneels) the world seemed to glimmer beneath it.
HOWARD: The one right down silver road?
BILL: The one and the same.
HOWARD: (Faces the audience but not breaking the fourth wall, takes a few steps downstage) they say some people go blind due to its beauty.
BILL: (Looks at Songa) they’re not the only ones.
HOWARD: (Turns) what?
BILL: (Quickly snaps back to Howard) you’re radiating!
HOWARD: Well, I do have to pee (begins walking offstage) if you’ll excuse me. (Exits)
BILL: (Heaves a huge sigh and sits down) whew!
SONGA: (Triumphant) not ashamed, huh?
(Fade out. Fade into apartment.)
PETER: I’m ruined! (Throws Gary into chair) I’ll never be president now.
GARY: Well at least there’s no suspense.
PETER: How could you do this to me?
GARY: I wasn’t really thinking of you.
PETER: What were you thinking, when are you ever thinking?
GARY: Nothing, never. If they don’t elect you because of me, then the people are stupid. And would you really want to rule over stupid people?
PETER: I could educate them.
GARY: Tell them that. I’ve lived here for twenty-one years and haven’t learned a thing.
PETER: You learned how to ruin me.
GARY: I wouldn’t do that, I love you Peter!
PETER: Yea, right.
GARY: As long as you know that, I’m happy.
PETER: (Picks up Gary by his collar) I’m not happy. I’m done for. (Throws Gary back down) just wait ‘til mom hears about this.
GARY: She already knows. She called me and yelled… a lot.
PETER: She should’ve killed you.
GARY: Peter… I may be going to jail and all you’re worried about is your reputation.
PETER: They outta lock you up for life.
GARY: (Pauses and looks down) if it helps… I robbed a bank.
PETER: What?! How does that help me?!
GARY: I didn’t take the money; I took a copy of something else.
PETER: (Pauses) what does that mean?
GARY: I was gonna take the three million to clear your name but I don’t want to be a criminal so I took (looks behind chair and pulls out paper) this instead.
PETER: (Snatches paper and reads it) you—you’re—
GARY: I wanted to keep your name clear. I mean I’d seen them on E-bay so now I just made my own; I have a bunch of copies too.
PETER: What’d mom say?
GARY: She had no problem with it, she disowned me anyway. (Laughs)
PETER: You made your birth certificate say you’re adopted… for me?
GARY: I love you, Pete.
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant.)
BILL: Cerino!
CERINO: (Looks up) oh Bill. I didn’t know it was that Bill—
BILL: We were supposed to go hunting!
CERINO: Really? Was that today?
BILL: (Angry) you called and told me you were sick.
CERINO: Did I?
BILL: Yes!
CERINO: You shure it wasn’t someone else?
BILL: What other Cerino is there?!
CERINO: Cerino… Smith.
BILL: (Pause) ok… (Cerino nods, then Bill looks shocked) you’re a liar!
CERINO: Well… I want a promotion before Howard leaves.
BILL: That’s not fair so do I!
CERINO: C’mon Bill.
BILL: But you’re an awful waiter.
CERINO: That’s offensive!
BILL: I’m sorry… but you’re really terrible.
SONGA: Bill, that’s mean!
CERINO: Thank you! Listen to her, Mrs…
SONGA: (Pronouncing) Miss, and you can call me Songa.
CERINO: Oh you’re that wretched old hag, Howard told me about.
SONGA: (Jumps up) OLD HAG?!
BILL: Calm down! Cerino, don’t let Howard know she’s here, otherwise my shot at getting a promotion (drifts off) is… as good… as… yours…
(Silence)
CERINO: Oh Howard!
(Fade out. Fade into apartment.)
PETER: Gary… I can’t believe you did this.
GARY: I didn’t want you to fail… like me.
PETER: Gary, you’re not a failure.
GARY: All I do is hurt and disappoint people.
PETER: No.
GARY: Its okay, Pete, you don’t have to take back what you said.
(Long silence)
PETER: No… you do.
GARY: What?
PETER: (Rips paper) you’re my brother, through thick and through thin.
GARY: But Peter—
PETER: So what if I don’t get president? It’s not the end of the world.
GARY: But the people—
PETER: If they have a problem with you then they have to take it up with me, how much do you need?
GARY: Three million…
PETER: Done. Tomorrow, I’ll let the people know that I’ll pay back all of it and that you are my brother and I love you regardless.
GARY: You mean that?
PETER: No (Gary becomes sad and looks down) I’ll tell them tonight and Gary, I do love you.
GARY: You’re silly.
PETER: What?
GARY: You hate me and then love me.
PETER: We’re brothers, it’s what we do.
GARY: I don’t think I can thank you enough!
PETER: You don’t have to.
KATHREN: (Runs out of Gary’s room) alright, I’m all packed, ready for Venezuela?
(Gary and Peter look at each other)
GARY: Oh ho ho (stops and points at Kathren) plan B.
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant)
HOWARD: (Sits down at Cerino’s table) my boy, you can’t keep calling me while I’m in the restroom; it makes it difficult to concentrate.
CERINO: Sorry, sir, I just thought you’d get a kick outta this (points at Songa)
BILL: (As Howard turns around, Bill hops up and does a little jig) like it? I’ve been working on it for three weeks.
HOWARD: Bill, that’s awful, but I appreciate the effort.
CERINO: Look at who Bill is with.
HOWARD: Eh? (Bill blocks) please Bill let me see. (Struggles but pushes Bill aside; pause) Hello Miss, who are you?
SONGA: I’m Songa.
HOWARD: Such a lovely name for such a lovely girl.
CERINO: You senile or somethin’? That’s the old hag!
HOWARD: Cerino!
SONGA: HAG?!
BILL: You would’ve thought she’d be more upset about being called old.
SONGA: But I know I’m not old!
CERINO: But you are a hag?
SONGA: (Pause, then steps forward about to rush Cerino but Bill is holding her back) I’ll kill you!
JUSTICE: (Enters) excuse me my little campers, but some of the other customers are complaining.
BILL: There’s no one else in here!
JUSTICE: Right, I’m complaining—oh Ralf!
RALF: (Enters) Yes, Justice?
JUSTICE: I’m complaining.
RALF: Understood.
(Both stand in silence)
SONGA: What’s wrong with this place?!
HOWARD: Oh you’re that Songa, wretched fool. Bill, what’s the meaning of this?!
BILL: Before this night’s over, someone’s gonna be on the floor.
(Fade out. Fade into apartment)
KATHREN: Issac was crazy, so we’re going to Venezuela.
PETER: Odd.
GARY: I think it makes sense.
PETER: No, I always pictured you as a China sorta guy.
GARY: I get that a lot.
PETER: Really?
GARY: Two times!
PETER: But you. (Points to Kathren) there’s nothing in Venezuela. I mean you are a convicted criminal.
KATHREN: Seeing Issac just made me realize that I really do take advantage of people. It’s time to start playing the cards I’ve been given, and well (puts arm around Gary) he understands that.
GARY: A second chance is a record button.
PETER: Olivera Travels, I swear Gary, you could go on forever about her.
GARY: She’s a goddess.
PETER: Promise you’ll come back?
GARY: Of course.
KATHREN: I’ll make shure he writes everyday; we’ll only be gone for a year or so.
PETER: (Smiles) thank you.
BERNARD: (Enters) all ready!
(Gary and Peter look at each other)
GARY: (nods) Plan D.
PETER: What happened to plan C?
(Gary and Kathren look at each other)
GARY and KATHREN: Long story.
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant)
BILL: It’s really simple.
HOWARD: I thought you hated this woman, or did she have a twin brother?
SONGA: I do not have a twin brother.
CERINO: I think he was referencing that you were a man.
SONGA: You fat abominable oaf!
JUSTICE: (Turns to Ralf) oaf?
RALF: Fat bastard.
JUSTICE: Ah!
SONGA: You were treating me like a woman a second ago.
HOWARD: It’s hard to recognize a face drenched in make-up.
SONGA: You’re just awful.
BILL: Now hold on, I love her!
HOWARD: WHAT?!
(Fade out. Fade into apartment)
GARY: And Bernard just happened to be there.
PETER: What did the canoe have to do with anything?
KATHREN: Uh—it—
GARY: Nothing really, I just like that part.
PETER: And where’d Sheriff Tate go?
GARY and KATHREN: (shrug) home?
PETER: I best be going.
GARY: Understood.
PETER: Now Gary, you’ll stay out of trouble right?
GARY: (Scratches head) of course! (Stops and leans to Kathren) where’s trouble?
KATHREN: Gary.
GARY: It’s not in Venezuela, right?
KATHREN: (To Peter) I’ll look after him.
PETER: Take care! (Exits)
BERNARD: Good bye!
KATHREN: You and your brother are more alike than I thought.
GARY: What makes you say that?
KATHREN: (Joking) you’re both morons.
GARY: Hey!
KATHREN: Relax, it’s the good kind.
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant, Ralf and Justice are gone.)
BILL: See if I love her then my love will grow unto her and she—in return—will come to love you.
HOWARD: You know what you’re doin’.
BILL: Of course, I only want what’s best for you.
CERINO: You’re full of crap!
HOWARD: Cerino, that’s enough!
SONGA: Bill…
BILL: Darling?
SONGA: You’re—you’re a quite the guy.
BILL: It’s a curse, I’m afraid.
CERINO: That’s it! (Jumps on Howard’s table) let’s settle this like men!
BILL: Eh?
HOWARD: Get down here!
CERINO: Up your fists, Bill!
(Fade out. Fade into apartment)
GARY: But I never meant to hurt anyone.
BERNARD: True.
KATHREN: But you’ve stolen from way more people.
BERNARD: True.
GARY: But it wasn’t intentional. I’ve admitted I’m a criminal but I’m not worse than you.
KATHREN: Oh no, no, you’re not tricking me!
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant, Justice on stage)
BILL: I knew you were joking.
CERINO: No sense in getting this place bloody.
JUSTICE: I’m glad there’s no problem. (Exits)
CERINO: I’m gonna strangle you!
(Fade out. Fade into apartment)
KATHREN: Oh please you would’ve done the same thing!
GARY: Would not!
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant, Bill and Cerino can be heard offstage)
SONGA: NO!
HOWARD: Yes! Cerino will beat Bill, no problem!
(Fade out. Fade into apartment)
BERNARD: The answer is indeed Gastro.
(Fade out. Fade into restaurant, Bill back onstage)
BILL: (exhausted) so… I do believe a promotion is in order?
(Fade out. Fade into apartment)
GARY: (Shouts) WHAT?!
(Fade out and in and out and in and the lights flicker back and forth—going crazy as everyone looks up)
GARY: Did I pay the electric bill?
KATHREN: Oh, Gary, you cheated them too?
GARY: Stop it! You’re almost as mean as Bill!
BILL: (Turns around) Hey! (Pauses, turns back)
KATHREN: I’m sorry, it doesn’t really matter anyway; are both of you ready?
GARY and BERNARD: Yes!
(Lights out on apartment side)
HOWARD: The restaurant was officially Issac’s six hours ago.
CERINO: Well I’ll be damned.
BILL: Regardless (turns to Songa) ready to admit it?
SONGA: Admit what?
BILL: That you love me.
SONGA: If I answer you can we go?
BILL: Yes.
SONGA: (Sigh) yes, Bill… I’m hopelessly in love with you.
BILL: I knew it. Now let’s get on outta here. (Exits) bye Howie! Cerino!
JUSTICE: (Enters along side Ralf) Aw, how cute.
RALF: By the way, it’s sweet of you to pay for damages.
CERINO and HOWARD: WHAT?!
(Fade out.)
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Post by Derek Nahigyan on Apr 2, 2008 21:33:03 GMT -5
Act 2, Scene 7
(No lights onstage, only Gary’s voice can be heard)
GARY: And so, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may smootch the bride.
(Fade in. Tables and chairs are strewn about; extras in the background are talking, lots of moving and such but in the middle is Issac and Raine sitting at a table)
RAINE: You happy?
ISSAC: Yea, er, yes; it’s a good day.
RAINE: Lovely weather.
(Pause)
ISSAC: Raine, (searches for a word, then throws hands down in defeat) I was crazy.
RAINE: I know.
ISSAC: And I wasn’t thinking.
RAINE: Nope.
ISSAC: And stupid.
RAINE: Very stupid.
ISSAC: And I just… I—I wanted to say—
(Bill and Songa enter, linked at the elbow)
BILL: Hey you two!
ISSAC: (startled) Bill, Songa, congratulations!
SONGA: Thank you!
RAINE: How’d you tie this dog down?
SONGA: (Wiggles thumbs) opposable thumbs.
ISSAC: So, kids for you?
(Overlapping)
BILL: No.
SONGA: Of course.
(Bill and Songa stare at each other)
BILL: Of course.
RAINE: I wish you two the best of luck.
(Gary enters with Kathren and Bernard)
GARY: Hello!
ISSAC: Gary!
BILL: (shakes Gary’s hand) amazing speech my friend.
ISSAC: I thought you put impersonations behind you though.
GARY: I did.
ISSAC: What?
KATHREN: He got registered online.
RAINE: I’m really proud of you Gary.
GARY: Thanks, and you’ll look after Dragon for me?
RAINE: Of course!
ISSAC: Dragon?
GARY: My pet cat.
ISSAC: You have a pet named Dragon?!
BILL: You have a pet?!
GARY: Yup!
SONGA: Bernard, (incredibly cheesy) you won’t be terribly lonely, will you?
BERNARD: For you, I try.
SONGA: I know you’ll miss me terribly.
BERNARD: Is true, but (pushes her to Bill) you belong.
BILL: Thank you Bernard.
ISSAC: Kathren, (matching the cheesiness of Songa) you won’t be terribly lonely, will you?
KATHREN: Nope!
(Howard enters)
HOWARD: Bill m’boy!
BILL: Howie!
HOWARD: So you’re gonna tame the wild beast?
SONGA: Excuse me?!
BILL: He’s talking about my mother, she won’t believe this.
SONGA: Oh.
HOWARD: You’re on the right track!
(Peter enters)
PETER: Good evening everyone!
GARY: Pete, you made it!
PETER: Yes, I wouldn’t miss your performance… (Looks at the disgruntled Bill) and Bill’s wedding.
BILL: Nice save.
GARY: How’s did your speech go?
PETER: I’m now more likely to win because of you; the people value family.
GARY: That’s great!
PETER: And my opponent accidentally dropped his medication into a reservoir so it’s really looking in my favor.
GARY: Even better!
PETER: Yea (pause, tone changes) don’t drink the water though.
GARY: Got it.
(Justice and Ralf enter)
JUSTICE: Oh boy! This is so much fun!
RALF: Indeed.
ISSAC: What are you two doing here?
RALF: Bill, a true gentleman, invited us.
JUSTICE: Mhmm.
ISSAC: Ah, good to see you again.
JUSTICE: You never ordered anything; I wasted my time on you.
ISSAC: Sorry.
RALF: Justice doesn’t need this.
(Jimmy enters)
JIMMY: Raine, I thought that was you.
RAINE: Jimmy, how are you doing?
JIMMY: Better—better, oh wait (moves to Issac) look out, she may be here to swindle you for money.
ISSAC: What?
BILL: Chuck, what have I told you, get out of here!!
(Moore enters)
MOORE: Oh Bill, you’re married!
BILL: Mrs. Moore (hugs) how are you?
MOORE: Magnificent!
ISSAC: Mom?! (Looks at Bill) you mean to tell me that you invited my mom but not yours?
BILL: Pretty much.
ISSAC: Good grief.
MOORE: You haven’t said that since—
ISSAC: (stands) don’t you dare!
(David enters)
DAVID: Bill!
BILL: David!
DAVID: Come ere’ and gimmie a hug. (Bill runs into his arms, then gets put to the side of his body)
SONGA: You are?
DAVID: David, where the only place warmer than the sun, is my heart.
SONGA: Aw. (Goes to give hug)
DAVID: Whoa! Careful now, you may melt… I’m just kidding come here! (Bill, Songa, and David all hugging)
(Cerino enters)
CERINO: Congratulations!
BILL: Cerino!
CERINO: Certainly the party!
(Ronnie enters)
RONNIE: Certainly is!
BILL: Hi, Ronnie.
RONNIE: We still on for hanging out? You’ve been postponing a lot.
BILL: Marriage stuff, we will soon I promise.
CERINO: Boy that was some fun hunting on Saturday, huh?
RONNIE: You told me you and Songa got in a fight and you had to patch things up.
BILL: Well, I—
SONGA: Now, I’m your little scapegoat?
BILL: Issac!
ISSAC: What?
BILL: Say things!
ISSAC: Everyone. (Everyone is gathered around talking and the commotion is immensely rises along with the noise) everyone! (Noise continues; Issac gets on top of his chair and screams) EVERYONE PLEASE!!!
(Silence)
ISSAC: Ahem, I think we all know why we’re here today; we’re here to celebrate a momentous occasion between two people who—(he stops and looks around him. People shuffling their feet, gazing into space, he realizes they’ve heard this before; it’s everyones’ weddings cliché of their best man giving the same ol’ speech. He takes a pause, staring heavily at his crowd, then speaks, full of confidence) These two people have survived hardships and problems that I could only dream of and yet they love each other very much. Now some people may get emotional at these types of gatherings but you should not be discouraged. We’ll all get to where these two are one day but it’s important that we keep our own pace. Bill doesn’t know a thing about tomorrow (Bill looks disgruntled but then nods knowing Issac’s right) he doesn’t own a calendar, he doesn’t look ahead; the man is blind, he just feels out where he’s gonna be next, yet this was his path—his choice—what he felt was right. There are thousands of people wishing they knew what love was, hoping they can find it—most of them are probably married. But Bill and Songa, you two have it and the only thing I ask is that you spoil yourselves rotten with it. I want you two to never be apart, to live as if the other is the other half of your body. Tell each other you love one another everyday and make shure you mean it. You’re both amazing friends and I can’t wait to watch where you go. (Beat) now let’s give this new couple a hand.
(Applause and people cheer)
JIMMY: (Urgent) Hey! No one’s eating the food, they’re taking it away!
HOWARD: What?!
(Everyone scrams, running offstage like a big herd of cattle. Soon everyone is offstage except for Issac and Raine who’re still at the table. Issac sits down)
RAINE: Wow.
ISSAC: Tell me about it.
RAINE: That was a good speech by the way.
ISSAC: Thanks. (Music begins very softly) Hey, y’know what? (Puts both hands on table)
RAINE: What?
ISSAC: I kinda like you.
RAINE: (Puts her hands on his) I kinda like you too.
(Fade out. Music gradually gets louder; curtain down.)
Wanna Stay, or Wanna Go?
End
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